Entry 56: Read December 14

October 23

He's marrying her.

I think at a different point this would have been a giant earth ending problem out right. Now I have my own set of stuff to deal with.

I lost it all. I. Me.

It bothers me that she's twenty years younger than him and only ten years older than me but at least they make each other happy. I guess I could learn a thing about happiness from them.

All I can hope is that I don't have to wear some god awful tafetta thing in like lime green or something and won't have to read something. How many weddings have I been in now? I'm like a professional bridesmaid or something.

So when Dad marries Sally does that make him Mr. Babytalker?

View the original pages here.

Entry 55: Read December 13

October 1

I am fucking up my life on purpose and by accident. Dr Murphy says I am afraid to succeed and my challenge is to find out why. I don't care why I just want it to stop.

I suck at school right now. I hope I don't suck at my internship. Because I'm earning my internship hours and credits I'm taking fewer classes than before. I should be able to handle it. I guess not.

I can't believe I messed up so badly. Test anxiety? My professor pulled me aside after class to give me that stern I'm a teacher concerned about you talk. He'd noticed I wasn't as "attentive in class" and was my "heart in the right place?" I of course am a stupid emotional idiot and I started crying and apologizing and that I'd try harder and was so sorry I'd brought my personal life to school. He said "Maybe this isn't the right program for you."

Ouch.

I'm so mad for bombing that stupid exam. Now even if I do ace everything else I'll still only end up with a C. And now I have to ace everything and work extra hard for that stupic C just to prove I belong here. I hate this!!!

I do belong here. I still want to be here. I just put myself into a whole lot of debt with my loans to not care and not do well. And now that Mike isn't, well, supporting me and I'm not working I'm quickly going through my savings and what extra money I have. I didn't sign up for all this to fail.

I'm better than that.

View the original pages here.

Entry 54: Read December 12

September 22

I wish someone would put me out of my misery. Today I went to Barnes and Noble to kill time before my night class.

Before I knew exactly what had happened or how or why there I was.

On the self help aisle.

Reading.

I hate you Oprah. I blame you for an entire generation of women who think a book can save their lives or marriages or whatever.

Only because I bought one of those stupid books.

View the original pages here.

Entry 53: Read December 11

September 8

I've joined the majority of society. Today. I. Went. To. Therapy. It feels wierd. Really wierd. The thing is I kind of liked it. I've never really talked about myself before. But then again I never really vented or tried to sort things out before I got this book from Julie. We've already had a breakthrough which is apparently a good thing. I said that I had changed so much in the last few years and felt I didn't really know what I was supposed to have learned or really how I felt about the person I'd become. She asked how that made me feel which made me laugh. They really do ask "how does that make you feel?"!

At the end of the appointment she wrote me a prescription. I haven't taken it to the pharmacy. I don't want to believe that I need it.

View the original pages here.

Entry 52: Read December 10

September 2

What am I doing?!?!

We had sex last night. It was incredible!!! But Mike and I aren't doing each other any favors by continuing to sleep together.

I'm told ex-sex is just part of the process, but I think it makes us both feel icky afterwards. I miss him so much and I'm miserable and so is he but then we see each other for lunch or try to be friends and see a movie or we hook up and it just makes it so much worse.

How are either of us supposed to move on if we aren't going to move on? I can't decide if I want to be with or without him and he can't decide whether or not he hates my guts.

But we keep trying to be friends and maybe that's not going to work. I have to stop sleeping with him but I can't. I feel like a drug addict.

View the original pages here.

Entry 51: Read December 7

August 15

Internship starts today. It feels like the first day of school when you were kids. I remember I would agonize over what I was going to wear. I'd pick out and try on almost every outfit I had and then would decide that day that I didn't like the outfit I'd decided on. Picture day was even worse!

It's hard to play that game when you're living out of boxes and suitcases. And like the first day of school I'm surprised my mom didn't take a bazillion pictures.

This is the part where I hold my breath and pray they don't chew me up and spit me out. I'm a lowly intern now.

View the original pages here.

Entry 50: Read December 6

July 30

Elwood and I moved today. Mike's been in and out of the house in the last few weeks. He's been in and out with me the last few weeks.

Some days it's like nothing has happened. Like he forgot that I broke both our hearts. Or he pretends to forget because he misses the way things were? I suppose it's better not to know the woman you think you know is really still just a child. I think when I was a kid I at least knew what I wanted. Now every decision feels so heavy.

As a kid I was better behaved too.

I wonder what will happen with us now that I'm not living in his house. Our house. His house. He's every right to hate me. Some days he does and some days he doesn't. The past two years just flew by and I want them back to live slower. That's the problem is it all happened too fast. That's why I wasn't ready. That's why I fucked it up.

The truth is I'm still not ready. And I will always fuck things up until I am. I still don't get why he loves me. Only now it's only some days that he loves me. I don't understand that either. I'd rather be the bad guy but he says it's not all my fault.

View the original pages here.

Entry 49: Read December 5

July 7

I finally told the truth. I had to.

When he asked me to be his wife I was overcome with mixed emotions. I said yes because I wanted to. Really I did.

He left this afternoon. He wouldn't tell me where he was going or staying. He just said that the dog and me had to be gone by the 1st of August. He said he didn't care if he ever saw me again. He said I'd gotten a little bit fat anyway. He said I was a lying cheating whore. He said everything I'd expected him to say.

For months I've been faking it hoping I'd feel it. Trying to pretend nothing had happened and that I'd done nothing wrong. When I told Katie about Jon she made me promise not to tell Mike. She said he'd done nothing wrong and didn't deserve to be punished. I agreed. And I tried to forget.

Fake it til you feel it. I'd written about it and then ripped out the pages. Was that going to make it unhappen? By pretending it hadn't happened did I somehow un sleep with him? I've avoided him in classes for months now. I switched study groups. It didn't make him go away.

I kept living my little fantasy world with Mike. I know I hooked up with Jon because I was scared and once again trying to sabotage myself. I guess I succeeded on that part.

I had to tell him. I was lying to him every day by not telling him. And I couldn't marry him unless he knew. So I told him the whole dirty truth. And now I'll get what's coming to me.

I never deserved any of this good stuff. But I definitely deserve all this bad stuff.

View the original pages here.

Entry 48: Read December 4

July 4

Anniversary number two of meeting Mr. Mike. He and I are going to a couple bbqs and then downtown to watch the fireworks.

He said he's got an even better surprise than last year's. I have to admit that whole making a girl feel special on big days thing earns any guy serious points. I always escaped to the movies and so I always thought that was how things should be. I never thought they could be this way. I'm feeling better about my uh indiscretions or whatever. I just try and pretend like nothing ever happened and sometimes I believe it's true.

In any case a surprise party, small parties fancy dinners and little blue boxes from Tiffany's weren't wasted on me. I don't know how I got so lucky. Maybe Mike just watched a lot of movies too.

View the original pages here.

Entry 47: Read December 3

June 24

I got my internship!!! I got the one I wanted!!! I'm going to learn all there is to know about finance and real estate and markets and funds and oh my god this is SO COOL!!!

Mike and I are going out to celebrate. We're so excited!!!

View the original pages here.

Entry 46: Read November 30

May 14

Happy birthday to me!

I don't know if this is what 27 is supposed to look like but here's what it looks like!

The semester is over in less than a month and then summer starts. I'm working on getting through all this school stuff as quickly as possible. And then the terrifying future! Usually not knowing what's ahead and not having a plan would completely wreck me. But I'm kind of excited. I interview for my fall internships in the next few weeks.

Things are coming together and I'm doing my best to not fall apart. I'm a beautiful almost successful 27 year old with a pretty terrific boyfriend. This is what I keep trying to tell myself.

But I don't think it's all true and don't think I deserve it. I had to tell someone and so I told Katie. She confirmed my worst fears. I am awful. But secretly awful. And now the secret awful Princess has to go out with her awesome boyfriend and pretend everything is fine.

Happy birthday Princess

Your a faker.

View the original pages here.

Entry 45: Read November 29

April 15

Nothing is certain but death and taxes, Benjamin Franklin said! He's a wise man. I wonder what advice he'd have for the mess I'm in now.

He was a logical guy so I'll bet something about using my head. Well I'm not a fan of my heart or my head since they both got me here.

I'm the idiot sitting here imagining what advice one of the founding fathers would give me instead of attempting to figure it out myself.

Why you gotta make things so complicated?

View the original pages here.

Entry 44: Read November 28

April 7

I have become the woman I hate.

How did this happen?

View the original pages here.

Entry 43: Read November 27

January 1

I'm glad school starts back soon. I'm starting to go a little crazy. Maybe the holidays and cold weather don't help and Mike's been a bit distant. I can't blame hime I've spent months being distant. I can't stop it. I thought being with someone meant you got to be happy. I guess I don't really know how to do that.

Last night wasn't very interesting. minus the champaine and us very

[pages of the diary are ripped out ...]

View the original pages here.

Entry 42: Read November 26

December 26

Last year's Christmas was spent unpacking and combining households and stuff. So this year we made up for it!

I haven't had a Christmas tree in years. I forgot how good they smell! It's the rotten thing about having divorced parents. When you split time between Mom and Dad neither one are all that good at keeping any kind of tradition or anything. I probably spent more holidays at friends houses than at home.

Mike showed me what you look for when you buy a Christmas tree and how to tell if they're dried out and stuff. We made a small dinner and watched Tivo. I love Tivo. And then came the presents and that's when the fight started.

He got me a necklace from Tiffany's. not a ridiculous one but a simple silver one. It was pretty and simple. And it was in that blue box and bag with the Tiffany stamp and it was perfect for me. And I said "Oh it's too much!" And then he said "There could be more where that came from," and it just sort of went from there. What started as a wonderful holiday about new memories and stuff turned into Christmas with my parents in the mid-nineties. He's very frustrated with me and I get that but I can't change overnight. I'm so much better with him than I've ever been before. But I am still guarded and unsure and insecure and not ready for little blue boxes from Tiffany's.

This morning I reached out but Mike was already gone. I panicked and thought he was gone. Am I crazy? People don't just disappear from their own houses! He's been gone for at least a half hour now.

I feel so alone.

View the original pages here.

Entry 41: Read November 21

December 3

I love them! We had an AWESOME time!

Now I totally get Mike. He's like the perfect combination of his parents. They told those good stories too! So much energy and laughing! I always avoid my family because as much as they can be a lot of fun it takes so much work to get to that point. Mike's family brings the fun up front. Now I have to buckle down at work until next quarter starts because I think I might quit to take more course work and get done faster.

View the original pages here.

Entry 40: Read November 20

November 16

I am nervous and excited to meet Mike's family. I've waited a long time for this. We fly there and are spending all of Thanksgiving week. I can't wait to finally see all these people I've talked on the phone with like his mom and sister and her kids. I'll get to meet his brother too and Mike's really excited for that because their super close but they don't see him very often. I hope they like me. They will. What I mean is I hope they love me.

I'm the first girl he's ever brought home to meet the family. Even that chick he lived with in New York. I don't even know her name. That's kinda wierd. He must have said her name at some point. Whatever.

I'm the first. That's a big deal!

View the original pages here.

Entry 39: Read November 19

November 3

Mike is driving me crazy. I know I'm not home as much and sometimes we only see each other when we sleep but I thought he understood what me going back to school meant. I have to focus if I'm going to stay at the top of my class and get a good intership or reccomendation letters or fellowships. I'm not your wife babe I'm your live-in girlfriend. And there's a reason for that. Please stop reminding me that I spend all my time at work or with my study group and not with you. Please stop hinting that we should take this a step further. Stop leaving flyers you find of houses for sale. I've already told you not until I finish school.

Why can't what we already have be enough for you right now?

View the original pages here.

Entry 38: Read November 16

October 20

Midterms bleck! I'm trying to be better about writing because it helps me with stress and is sometimes the only way I have to keep track of how things happened and when.

Right now I very simply am avoiding studying.

View the original pages here.

Entry 37: Read November 15

September 14

School is awesome! I didn't realize that I had missed learning so much. I feel bad that I had to cut back my hours at the bank but my boss is really cool and understanding about it. I haven't given myself too much time to feel bad about the fact that after I finish my MBA I won't be working at the bank anymore. It's a whole new life and kind of a whole new me. Mike says he's glad to see me so happy and confident. He's the kindest man I've ever known. I am so lucky.

View the original pages here.

Entry 36: Read November 14

August 10

I decided to tell Mike what had happened. He was not happy with me. "People who love each other don't keep secrets like that." I get it that he didn't want me to feel like I had to go it alone but I did.

Because Mike would have been excited.

So I spent a week waiting to bleed, praying for cramps, peeing on sticks and proving to myself that I'm stronger than I realize. At least I learned that. I am stronger than I realize. I also realize that I'm not really in this relationship the way Mike is. He wants the next thing with the house and the wife and the kids and the whole damn thing.

If I had been pregnant he would have seen it as a sign or something that it's time to make that next bold move.

Well I believe in signs too. And the sign that hung over my head when I looked in the mirror and knew I wasn't about to be someone's mother said,

NO.

View the original pages here.

Entry 35: Read November 13

August 5

I'M NOT PREGNANT!

Life is a whole new level of amazing right now. A whole new level. Thank God for small miracles.

I'm still not ready to be a grownup.

View the original pages here.

Entry 34: Read November 12

July 30

I am only writing this down because I want to remember exactly how I feel at this exact moment. I want to remember the tightness in my chest and I imagine this is what having a heart attack feels like. But I'm not having a heart attack. I wish I was having a heart attack. Dear God please kill me with a heart attack.

I believe that curiousity killed the cat. I really do. I also think waiting must have killed something else. Maybe the tiger. They're hunters right. Shit, they're still cats.

I have to keep it together. I want to remember how I feel at this moment. I feel sad and alone and my chest hurts and I must tell someone what has happened and what is going on and how I feel. How do I feel? I want to remember the chest pain and the waiting and the fact that later I'll feel the hangover and the sad will still be there.

View the original pages here.

Entry 33: Read November 9

July 4!

Woo One year! He's got something planned and I love that he still makes me a big deal!

Katie says I have to give her full credit for her accidental match making skills! I haven't seen her since my birthday. I'd waited my whole life for that surprise party and it was totally worth the wait!!!

I should put one of the pictures in here but I keep forgetting. It's funny that this book sits on my bedside table but I don't seem to ever write in it.

Then again I think about all the books I have on my bedside table too and laugh at myself.

Oh! I'm going back to school in the fall. This whole two income thing is pretty handy!

View the original pages here.

Entry 32: Read November 8

12/16
I must be new to that whole making up your mind thing.

February 2

This whole groundhog thing is pretty silly. Winter is winter and lasts as long as it feels like if he sees his shadow or not.

So far so good on planet living with someone. Mike's lived with someone before but I haven't really. Justin and I may have been joined at the hip for years, but we still kept separate places.

I don't know how I'm doing. He says I'm not crazy which is apparently and improvement from the last girl but I don't know how I measure up really. I think I thought I'd live with someone I knew I'd marry.

Not that I wouldn't marry Mike. I think I would. I mean if I was ready for that.

Are you ever ready? Maybe not. For living with someone or for marrying them. I know I'm supposed to want it but really I just want to learn to live with someone first before I have to think about the rest of it.

View the original pages here.

Entry 31: Read November 7

December 15

Moving day. I don't really want to do this. I don't want to have to do this. I picked the place that made me less crazy.

What if I made the wrong choice?

View the original pages here.

Entry 30: Read November 6

December 6

I don't want to be a grownup. I think only 7 year olds really want to be grown ups but I'd trade places with one. I'm trying to remember being seven and what you do when your best friend of years won't talk to you except in notes. I'm trying to remember to avoid someone. Trying to remember ever feeling guilty for not actually feeling guilty. I miss Kim because I miss having that person I tell everything to but I don't miss the fact that she never really cared or just repeated it to others. When I was seven I don't think I knew what being fake felt like.

Why waste your time pretending?

Especially when you can obsess about whether or not to move in with your boyfriend. You can't fake that. I don't remember ever feeling like this.

View the original pages here.

Entry 29: Read November 5

December 3

I have no idea what that says. I mean and idea but that's it. I don't know when my life became one of the movies I'm so fond of but I kind of wish it would go back to being boring. I've been staying with Mike and my mom and both have said I can move in. I don't know which decision to make.

View the original pages here.

Entry 28: Read November 2

November 30 Again

Okay now I'm so fucking mad I have to get this out.

I got drunk. Everybody got drunk. My family believes in wine and lots of it when it comes to holidays. The only problem with wine and the lots of it part is that it sort of acts like a truth serum. Alex complained about not being ready for college and feeling pressured to succeed and not wanting to end up like me wasting my talents working at a bank. Thanks Alex thanks a lot.

Sally got so drunk she actually stopped babytalking and has a nice regular voice. Note to self, give Sally liquor more often and she'll stop being so annoying.

Mike said he loved me. To my parents. My Dad said something nice about me and Mike just says, "Yeah, it's why I love your daughter." And I didn't even get time to enjoy it because Stupid Kim starts fucking mocking him! Everyone loves her and rolling her eyes and making stupid hand gestures and before I knew what was happening I'd thrown my glass of red wine all over her and her pretty new sweater and the flood gates opened and we both started talking and yelling and crying. And this was the part I was still trying to process until I came home from work today and Elwood was tied up outside in the cold!

For ten days we just haven't talked. We are ghosts who make coffee and go to work and pretend we can't see each other. But you do NOT TIE UP MY DOG AND LEAVE HIM OUTSIDE!

View the original pages here.

Entry 27: Read November 1

November 30

I had to think for a few days about the disaster that turned out to be Thanksgiving. And in those days I still haven't taken it all in. To describe in one word.

WOW.

I didn't expect it to be a walk in the park, but wow. It all started off so easy. Kim insisted on cooking all by herself. Mom picked up Alex Wednesday night so they were here right at 3. Dad and Sally got here a little later. Mike had helped me clean and decorate with leaves and those little tiny pumpkins. Mom and Sally made awkward small talk. The storm was brewing slowly. But it was Kim who I believe started it. First I asked about 3:30 how it was coming along and was shooed out of the kitchen. Then my mom poked her head in and was kicked out. And Sally, poor stupid babytalking Sally, asked loudly about 4:30 if we were eating soon. It was at this point Kim realized she wasn't quite as Martha as she may have imagined. First we heard something clattering into the sink and then the sobbing and swearing. And then Sally, poor stupid babytalking Sally, went into the kitchen where the dragon who used to be Kim was. I can't quote her exact words but I believe it went something like, "Get out of my fucking Kitchen Babytalker! Out! Ouuuuuuuut!" Followed by lots of crying sobbing shuffling noises and more stuff crashing in the sink. Sally came back a bit pale. I don't know that you're ever ready for a six foot tall blonde to scream and throw things.

We all sat there for a minute not saying anything and just looking at each other. Finally Alex and I went slowly into the dragon's lair. Barbie had finally cracked under the pressure of all those years of pretending to be perfect. And dinner? It was all done. Don't know what brought her to crazyland but dinner was all ready to go! I nodded at Alex and he started bringing it out to the chain of clth covered card tables we'd set up in the living room. I knelt down to Kim and began to take off her apron.

"They didn't come" she whispered in tears. "Who?" "No one." She was right. I don't know who she had invited but the only people in the living room belonged to me. She went into her room and for a minute I felt sad for her. May parents are divorced and all but they're a part of my life. Hers just send postcards from whatever foreign country they jet off to. But then she came out of her room in a new outfit and all made up and lavished all the attention being thrown at her and I stopped feeling bad for her.

The most terrible moment is when you realize your best friend is a faker. I wasted so many years telling her my secrets and caring about her life and wasting my love on her.

What happened next is still a little unbelieveable to me. I don't know where it all came from. Well I do, but, well maybe I haven't finished figuring it all out. Maybe, just WOW will have to do for right now. I'm tired of thinking right now and I don't feel like writing anymore.

View the original pages here.

Entry 26: Read October 31

Novemeber 20

I must be more of an idiot that I thought. I've decided Kim and I will host dinner for everyone here. I asked Kim if she knew what she was getting herself into but she's actually really excited about it. I think she secretly has always wanted to be Martha Stewart. Secretly only because Martha's not quite glamourous enough for Kim.

Mom and Dad have both agreed to be nice to each other and to whatever guests the other one brings. Mom's the one I'm worried about. Babytalker drives her just as crazy as she does me. Shit, Sally, her name is Sally. I'll have to remind Mom not to call her Babytalker. Sally Sally Sally.

Mike gets to meet all the nuts and Alex is even coming from college! I just hope Kim has some crazies come too!

View the original pages here.

Entry 25: Read October 30

November 12

I wonder if all the children of divorced parents are as over holidays as I am. You'd think after years of doing this I'd be full of practice in handling my crazy family.

Then Kim suggested we host a dinner here. In theory it sounds like a good idea because my parents have always been good at being civil to each other for my sake. Or maybe they're just good at faking it. But Dad wants to bring the baby-talker and I can just see where that would go. I don't think Kim and I could afford the cleaning bill. But I'd love to see that!

View the original pages here.

Entry 24: Read October 29

November 10

So it begins. My parents are fighting over who I should spend turkey day with. Mike says he's willing to meet whichever we end up with.

That's a lot of pressure. It's one thing to have Mom and Dad meet the new boyfriend and something completely different to have to decide which one he's meeting. Do I decide based on who's a better cook? Who has better wine? Who's been nicest to me lately?

I can't play favorites with my parents. That's just not fair. I wish Mike was from here and I could take the easy way out and do Thanksgiving with his family.

It's pretty scary when the easy way out is to meet your boyfriend's parents!

View the original pages here.

Entry 23: Read October 26

November 4

Wow. I had a lot of anger. Not that I didn't deserve to be angry. But wow.

Kim never apologized, but then she never does. And I'm glad that I wrote all of those things instead of saying them to her. It didn't really make me feel better, but I needed to get it all out. And I think I meant all of it too. She's not a very good friend or much fun to be around anymore. I guess I just grew out of it. We moved into this place in May and things aren't awful here. But when the lease is up it might be time for Elwood and me to get a place of our own.

Mike did apologize though. And the nice thing was that he didn't make excuses. He just said that he was sorry and that he shouldn't have continued to flirt with her and "keep the game going." I know he'd been drinking and that it's fun to flirt with Kiim, but I like that he never mentioned drinking as a reason. He just apologized without me having to say I was mad or why.

I like that very much.

View the original pages here.

Entry 22: Read October 25

November 3

Parts of old insecure me are trying tocome back. I'm trying so hard to be happy. Not try, just be! Lots of things to be happy about. But it's harder than it looks.

Our party was fun. It always is. Lots of people came I hadn't seen in a while and everybody seemed to have a good time. Especially Kim and Mike.

I am so mad I feel like breaking something. I've taken deep breaths and a couple of breaks from trying to write. I keep think about Julie telling me to write it down and not bottle it up. So I'm trying.

I hate Kim. She's an awful friend who treats other people like they aren't important. I may not look like her but being the most beautiful person in the room doesn't give you the permission to treat people like shit. No one likes the person who's always trying to be the center of attention.

She hit on him. Right in front of me like I was invisible. Or maybe just to show me that she could hit on him. And he flirted back.

You know what? Kim I'm still 30 pounds lighter and 3 dress sizes smaller.

You couldn't fit in the cheerleadering outfit remember? It's all well to be tall and blonde and pretty with big boobs but you have nothing interesting to say and you make yourself feel better by latching onto your friends lives.

So I work at a bank. So what? At least people like to talk to me. I can make conversation Kim. I can talk to anybody and make friends everywhere. And without sticking out my chest. And yeah I've batted my eyelashes and used charm to my advantage but I've also got a brain. I may be a brown eyed brown haired girl like everyone else but I'm cute. You know what cute is Kim? Forever. You know what blonde and pretty turns into? Old and wrinkled with white hair.

You're a bitch and a bad friend.

And Mike I just expected more from you. I was wrong. You didn't try to stop her or ignore you. Beautiful woman flirting with you, I get it. But she's my best friend asshole. Aren't there some things off limits?

You deserve each other. You're both bad friends.

Fuck you both.

View the original pages here.

Entry 21: Read October 24

October 30

Halloween is my favorite holiday. I love fall and dressing up and roasting pumpkin seeds and little kids in silly outfits. It's always fun when you work at a bank. It also means Kim and I throw our huge party and this year wasn't any different except we're in the NEW house! I decided to dress as a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader because Halloween is also an excuse to dress slutty and not have anyone judge you. Kim was Uma Thurman from Pulp Fiction and we even have figured out how to get a fake syringe to stick out of her chest! I can't wait to see what Mike does because he won't tell me what he's coming to the party as. It better be good now that's hyped it up I told him.

View the original pages here.

Entry 20: Read October 23

October 4

I survived another wedding. I have become a walking cliche as all my college friends and the few from high school get married. I really do have a lot of great friends but have decided I can never get married. Who would be my bridesmaids? I've been in five weddings and I'll bet there's some rule about having to ask the people who have asked you.

The difference about being a bridesmaid this time around was that for once I wasn't the single one who needed to be set up with the out of town cousin! Which really is pretty rude. I don't think any single person wants to be pointed out and displayed. And since all married people were once single people it never made sense to me. Why not having a boyfriend meant someone could set you up with their dentist.

Anyway I'm sure everyone was relieved to find out that I'm back in the game or whatever.

It's funny being the bridesmaid when you know all your sorority sisters expected to have already come to your wedding. I think everyone just assumed since we'd dated all through college that we'd end up married or something. Guess I'm glad he never asked because I probably would have said yes and that wouldn't have made either of us happy.

Five years is a long time to spend with somebody and it's only been a year and a half or so we've been apart. I can't believe how much different I am. I guess part of it's Mike but a lot of it's me. I got so used to being with Justin that I didn't know how to be without Justin. I don't want to be like that again. So I'm not gonna.

View the original pages here.

Entry 19: Read October 22

September 17

It's Kim's birthday so we are going out and she's finally going to meet Mike!

I hope they like each other okay. I've heard horror stories from some of the girls at the bank about dating guys their best friends can't stand. God I hope that doesn't happen.

View the original pages here.

Entry 18: Read October 19

September 12

Today was wierd. It's destined to be a wierd day anyway. No one wants to celebrate the anniversary of their country being attacked and more hate coming into the world. We don't throw parades about Pearl Harbor, so why is it that yesterday every news station was obsessed with replaying all the footage of 9-11?

I think everyone remembers where they were and who they called and how they couldn't pull away from the television. I remember. But then every channel plays it over every year and all of America gets to relive it. But I wasn't there and neither was most of America. But Mike was there. And that brings up today and the wierdness.

I called Mike to see if he wanted to go to a movie. In the back of my mind I knew there wouldn't be much of anything on TV but by the time I got off work and got home I had sort of forgotten why. He snapped at me,

"I don't want to go to a movie. I don't want to go anywhere. I'll just talk to you tomorrow."

And then he hung up! Jerk. Of course I called right back and he didn't answer. So I left a bitchy message about how he shouldn't take a bad day out on me and blah blah blah.

Katie and I had lunch today and so I told her about what happened. "Oh no. You got it wrong. He wasn't mad at you. He was there when the towers fell."

WHAT? I asked if she meant in New York and she said no, he was THERE but he won't talk about it. She doesn't know why or where. No wonder he was upset last night.

He's not the jerk. I am. I don't know what to do. I have to call and apologize.

I feel awful.

View the original pages here.

Entry 17: Read October 18

September 9th

Okay. I love this boy. Much worse things have happened than me falling in love. Much worse. Much much worse. Like my mom wanting to meet him. I only met him two months ago and have only been seeing him for like six weeks. I'm not ready to share him!

I know I'm being silly about this. I don't care. We've gone out with Katie amd Joe a few times. I've met some of his other friends and attended happy hours with his coworkers. These are things I am okay with. Meeting my mom is not on that list. Mike hasn't even met Kim yet. We always hang out at his place. He has a yard and I can bring Elwood over there, so why wouldn't we? And he has Tivo. Tivo is awesome!

But seriously, why would I introduce to my mom when he hasn't met my roommate yet? It's cool that Mom always takes an interest in my life. I like that part. I'm really sick of her asking every time I talk to her when she's "going to meet this guy you're spending so much time with"

YOU'LL MEET HIM WHEN I'M READY FOR YOU TO!!!

Love you mom but back off.

View the original pages here.

Entry 16: Read October 17

August 31

I am in trouble. I think I'm falling in love. I am not ready for this at all. I want to see him all the time and sleep in his bed and wear his tee shirts. This is scary.

What am I going to do? I'm not the kind of person who can just be schmopey and be in loooove. I hate those people. I don't want anything else to be insecure about and I don't want to get hurt again and when you're in love is when people can hurt you. I don't want to be hurt and I'm tired of being damaged and insecure and I hate this pen.
View the original pages here.

Entry 15: Read October 16

August 13

I blame society for the way I am. And my parents of course. But mostly society, which my parents are definitely members of. I have always escaped to the movies like everybody else. They wouldn't make so much money if every girl didn't believe she'd meet the man of her dreams and have her clothes magically melt off the moment she knew he was the guy for her.

My clothes didn't magically melt off and it certainly wasn't a scene in a love story. But it wasn't a scene in a comedy either. It was okay. I don't know what made me think I'd be any less insecure with my clothes off than I am with my clothes on. You'd think the fact that Mike and I have these amazing dates and he makes me feel more confident would work other places too. I don't know. It wasn't awful it just wasn't what I imagined. That's what I get for imagining I guess.

But it does make me wonder why I never read about this in Cosmo or my other magazines. How do you tell someone when it's just okay? How do you get it together? I know it was the first time and that's automatically awkward but how do I make it better? Should I even care? This is so much better than being single and I should just be grateful. Right? Yes.

View the original pages here.

Entry 14: Read October 15

August 12

I need to stop freaking out about stuff because then I make it come true. He's making me dinner at his house tonight. Do I shave my legs and wear matching underwear? Or do I purposely sabotage and delay the inevitable? This man makes me feel like I am the gorgeous girl who everyone wants to be or know and I have never felt like that. I have been insecure my whole life and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of myself. I want to be the girl that Mike sees when he looks at me. What do I look like in his eyes and from his point of view? She seems like a lot of fun. I am sick of talking myself out of having fun.

Fuck it. I'm shaving my legs. What's the worst that could happen?

View the original pages here.

Entry 13: Read October 12

August 10

At some point I'm going to have to have sex with him. Not that I don't want to. I do. A lot. This is my new thing to freak out over. I am an idiot. I know this. But this is all I can think about.

Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex

I haven't had any in a long time. I've never been good at random hookups and even though I'm a big fan of Sex and the City I can't live my life that way. I've never been so nervous. Not as an adult this nervous. But Mike is so great and I cannot wait but at the same time I am terrified.

Everything is awesome and what if sex is awful? This is the best guy I have ever dated and we work really well together and have fun and great conversation and I know I'm freaking out about a maybe but I can't really talk about this with anyone.

We've been on enough dates by now that there's going to come a time when I'm supposed to invite him in or to stay the night and when the day comes I'm going to panic.

What am I going to do?

View the original pages here.

Entry 12: Read October 11

August 6

Mike is probably the nicest guy I have ever dated!! We've been on 4 dates now and each one is fun or romantic and to a place I've never been before. He's a great kisser!

Last night he took me to a really interesting movie that I'm not quite sure I understood. I know girls are supposed to like wine and French films or something but sometimes I think he's smarter than I am and wonder why he want to date me. Stupid and insecure, shut up! Ack.

He's fun and a good kisser and he likes me and I hate that I keep trying to talk myself out of it. I guess I'm afraid I'll screw it up.

View the original pages here.

Entry 11: Read October 10

July 24

It didn't matter what I wore but I'm glad I paniked about that and not the date or I probably wouldn't have had any fun.

And I did have fun. Lots of it and I can't wait to see him again! He took me to kind of a fancyish place I'd never heard of and don't even know how to describe. He knows about wine and what to drink with what and the food was so good! I didn't know what to order so I just told him to make sure it was good. He ordered like six little plates and oh I've never eaten such good stuff! I have no idea what we talked about but all of a sudden it was like 5 hours later and we totally were those people who are sitting there while the restaurant's trying to close and I felt bad so I made him leave and he took me home and we kept talking in the car and then he kissed me!!!!!

Wow did he kiss me! Nobody's kissed me like that in, um, a long time! And no one's kept me up after 2am in a long time. He had to get up early too but he wants to see me again!

I can't wait.

View the original pages here.

Entry 10: Read October 9

July 19

I made the mistake of telling Kim that I had a date. I mean you go to your absolute hottest friend when you want to look your hottest right? No. Totally wrong. She wants to dress me up like a Barbie Doll. This is great for her because she already looks like a Barbie doll!! I don't know who I look like but I can't think of anyone famous or perfect. And I don't want to look like a doll or a stupidly skinny celebraty. I want to look like me!

She dragged me into Forever 21 and other stores full of sparkly shit. I think I thought I always wanted to be one of the girls who shopped there or looked like they stepped right out of a fashion spread but I really don't. I'm not going to a club or a movie premier or the scary planet Barbie, I'm going to dinner! I just felt cheap and probably looked it too. The horrible polyester crap that clings everywhere and sticked itself to every lump and rides up in all the wrong places!

One of the girls I work with suggested I look through the pile of magazines I'm addicted to and get ideas that way. So here's what I want and don't want.

All this time freaking out over the outfit means I haven't had time to freak out over the actual date. There's still time for that.



Kim looks like this.
Even without trying.
Barbie doll.

She seems to think I look like this.

And that I should wear this on my date with Mike.

I'd rather look like this but with boobs.

And will probably wear something like this but with less boobs.

View the original pages here.

Entry 9: Read October 8

BEST DAY EVER!

So I was at work and I'm meeting with a new customer. My desk phone is ringing but I'm ignoring because I'm with a new customer. I have a desk now. How cool/wierd is that? It keeps ringing so I pushed this button that sends everybody to voicemail. I really like that button.

Anyways, I'm finally able to finish up and I'm saying goodbye and I look over and there's Mike! Yes, yes, yes that Mike. He'd been waiting for me for like 30 minutes or something and other people kept trying to call me to tell me I had a visitor. I've never had a guy I met once come to my work before! All the girls I work with were super jealous and excited for me too. My boss let me leave early and Nike and I went and had coffee. It even felt like a real date!

It's so exciting. I feel like jumping around in one of those bouncy things they have at carnivals and little kids birthday parties. He said he came to see me because "calling on the phone seemed like an impersonal way to ask you out." WOW. Nice, cute, smart, and has manners! I don't think I'm super shy, but I'm more reserved than a lot of my friends. I kinda like to take it all in and listen to other people and I HATE being the center of attention. Not today though. I started talking and could not shut up! It was really great. Things have been super awesome lately. When it rains it pours or whatever the cliche is.

Sigh. Seriously. Best Day Ever! We have a date-date scheduled too. I think I'm going to need to go shopping because I want to look amazing!

View the original pages here.

Entry 8: Read October 5

July 17

Wow. I didn't realize it had been so long since I'd written. Things have been super busy with taking over the new job and it's been awesome but crazy. I had the best day ever! Today was the Best Day Ever! So I was at work and I'm meeting with a new customer. Damnit. My phones ringing.

View the original pages here.

Entry 7: Read October 4

July 4

Katie and Joe got married last summer so no one sees much of them any more. Their parties used to be famous or infamous, do famous and infamous mean the same thing? They're so good together and they're awesome apart too. It's been awhile since they've had a party and it's really good to see them. They're kind of the only married people I can be around sometimes. Anyways, I planted myself on a lawn chair far enough from the volleyball net to not get hit by a ball. Or so I thought. One minute I'm learning about the fascinating (yawn) world of manufacturing sales from Joe's buddy and the next moment my legs are up in the air, skirt down showing everyone my ass. I must have been 500 shades of red. I like all of these people and several are running to my rescue. I froze. I looked like an idiot around people I want to think I'm cool!

I was making new friends, shopping phone numbers and email addresses. Now none of these people will ever want to have lunch with me. Whatever. So I had a naked in public kinda moment where I felt like a loser. It was over just as fast. 3 of Katie's coworkers lifted me and the chair back upright and Katie and I go in the house to clean me up. She gave me a pretty sundress to wear and started brushing the sticky sweet mess out of my hair. If I had an older sister I bet it would have been like this. "You'll be a great mom someday," I told her and she squeezed my shoulder and said "And you'll figure it out someday." Which sounds weird but is probably one of the nicest things anyone's ever said. It was the way she said it while she was still brushing my hair and her voice was almost whispering. Joe came in with Mike who was the guy who spiked the ball straight into my head. He was so funny about it and just kept apologizing over and over again saying how sorry he was and was I okay and could he get me anything. All these people are so nice! I wish Katie and Joe would have more parties.

Mike kept checking in on me all afternoon and making jokes about me suing him and how I should take him for all he's worth. It was pretty funny and I really appreciate everybody putting me at ease instead of making me the center of attention. There's nothing worse thank people asking you over and over again "Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay?" because finally you're so sick of people asking you just want to scream "I'M FINE!" That didn't happen and I'm glad.

The fireworks were awesome. Joe and Katie face this park where they do a show and the view from the yard was so great! Mike and Joe walked me to my car still making jokes about Mike's athletic ability. I hugged them goodbye and Joe made some crack about how if I didn't sue I should at least make him buy me lunch. It made me laugh. It was a really good party.

Katie called me this morning to ask me what I thought of Mike and had I given him my number. Apparently he was hitting on me and really liked me! How did I miss this!?!? I'm such an idiot. "You'll figure it out," Katie said again giggleing before she hung up.

I'm an idiot.

View the original pages here.

Entry 6: Read October 3

July 3 2pm

Wow. What I was going to write just got even better.

So, as I was saying, married guy and Kim's hot blonde surfing bartender from the internet. A bartender who keeps sticking drinks in front of me. And I keep drinking them. Good morning hangover, nice to meet you. Not!

So I left early and took a cab home. Kim stayed until god only knows when because when I wolk up it was like 3am. Yes, 3am.

And why did I wake up at 3 in the morning when I'd had enough drinks to knock out Godzilla?

I got to listen to Kim and Malibu Ken have sex ALL night! I'm curled in a ball with all the pillows stacked on top of my head praying I'll suffocate instead of the bed squeaking and moaning. Elwood didn't want none of it either. He crawled under the bed and hid there and I still can't get him out. I've tried the fake bacon and peanut butter kong and bones and he's not moving! He looks at me like are you kidding? I think he might be scarred for life. It gets better.

So I got up to get advil and make coffee earlier. I went down to the washer while the coffee's brewing and when I come back up from the laundry room the guy is NAKED IN MY KITCHEN DRINKING COFFEE!

It was a free show and all a really really really hot guy but I wasn't expecting to see some dude move around my apartment drinking my coffee. After he left I mentioned to Kim that if her guests could keep their clothes on in the public areas that'd be nice. She said I really need to get laid so I won't be so uptight. I'm not sure if that will help.

It's not the sex I miss it's having someone around to even have sex with. I miss Justin. I think. No I take it back. I don't miss him. It's just my first birthday since we broke up. It made me wish there was still something or someone to make me feel like birthdays are important. Maybe like I'm important? Ack. I don't know what the hell I want I know I want a nap since last night's show didn't give me much beauty sleep.

View the original pages here.

Entry 5: Read October 2

July 3

Holy God the other night! So me and Kim go to some stupid over priced martini bar. But we were celebrating so we thought we deserved the best and we do! All the drinks had these funny five word names and are made with flavors I'd never heard of like kumquat or something. Totally not the place for me, we should have gone to one of the newer clubs so we could dance but we didn't. We went to the dark bar with squishy seats and $9 dollar Talriti Lime Mohitos.

One of the guys from the internet works there so he hooked us up with a discount. There were a lot of really pretty girls too and they looked like they stepped right out of a magazine!

This cute guy started talking to me while Kim's making eyes at Malibu Ken or whatever cyber dude's name is. So this guy buys me a drink and I tell him about my new job and that we're out to celebrate and he seems really cool and into me and he's really cute.

Point for me.

We start talking about him and he's a web designer and he's going fishing for 4th of July. So he's talking with his hands and I notice HE'S WEARING A WEDDING RING! A WEDDING RING!!!!

Subtract 7 million points for me. It's not much of a confidence boost.

I did get a free drink out of it. Speaking of, my head hurts. I need to go get advil and make coffee before I can write down what else happened.

View the original pages here.

Entry 4: Read September 28

July 1

I got a promotion!
I got a promotion!
I got a promotion!

That's right, me!

I am no longer a teller, I am now a personal banker. Just a fancy term for cool chick who helps you get a loan for your car or helps you open a CD and stuff like that I even get to start learning some of the mortgage and finance stuff!

I'm really excited to be doing something new and get to learn and it's super cool that my boss thinks I'm doing a good job. My mom said it was a step forward and to learn all I can. I've been thinking about going to get my real estate licence lisence liscence license but I don't know if that's what I really want to do. So I'll get to kind of try parts of it out (sort of) with the housing stuff and get a better idea. I left a message for Dad too but he hasn't called me back. I bet he'll be excited too. He's always asking me what I plan to do with my degree.

Why do you want to study Sociology sport? Study law like your dad. I think he was afraid I'd end up a teacher like my mom. She likes being at the same school with new six year olds every year and doesn't care about the money. It was really hard watching her struggle after she and my dad split up. Teaching kindergarten doesn't make you a millionare. I have to get dressed, I'm/We're going out tonight!!!!!

View the original pages here.

Entry 3: Read September 27

June 25

My family is not amking my life any more fun right now. They are the reason therapy is such a big business.

My family is crazy, and I know everyone's family is crazy but mine is all of a sudden a special kind of crazy, fancy crazy, crazy with hot sauce! It's almost like people get married just so they can get divorced and then annoy their children by fighting with each other and pushing their new girlfriends in front of your face. Idiot.

Mom's okay, I mean not as much of a crazy person as Dad. As far as the dating thing goes. Instead she just constantly reminds me of how single I am. When she bitches about my father and his new girlfriend "Well your father and his new tart." or "Your father and that bubblehead" I try to change the subject. That leads to the when are you going to meet someone nice? THANKS MOM BUT I DON'T NEED A REMINDER!!!

So my dad has this new girlfriend who's only like ten years older than me. And I know that it could be worse. She could be the same age, gross. But now she keeps showing up everywhere. He took me to lunch for my birthday and she showed up halfway through. She's nice enough, but she baby talks. Seriously, a grown woman baby talking.

Awwww, how does it feel to be a grown up now?

She sings every sentence. I hate it. He seems to like her. So fine dad, have fun. Just please don't marry her.

View the original pages here.

Entry 2: Read September 26

June 18

Okay, I'm 25 and not in control of my life. So now I'm thinking maybe Julie got me this journal for a reason and the reason is um. Okay so I don't know what the reason is yet but I guess I'll write and find out. And now I can bitch and not feel like everybody's judging me. No one wants to hang out with the sad girl or the always complaining girl an no guy wants to date her.

Kim tries to help and I love her for trying but I just want to be cranky and hate life right now or something. She's really enjoying this online dating crap and trying to get me to do it. Dude, I meet enough creeps just working at the bank everyday. I don't really need to meet the cyber creeps.

She's just lucky and I'm not. She met this gorgeous artist guy who is like that scene in the movie where the man of your dreams walks through the door with the hair and the he's a sculptor which is so hot but how much fun would it really be? I'll bet he's fantastic in bed though. She hasn't slept with him yet.

Awesome. Now I'm living vicariously through my roommate and making up fantasies about the guy she went out to dinner with once. Sweet. Maybe if I were always the most popular girl in the room with the megawatt smile and the legs up to here I'd meet the hot internet dates too. Maybe there's a magic pill to get legs like that.

Seriously though, I know I'm not a dog face or whatever but I'm short with brown hair just like everyone else and not like Kim!!!

Maybe some magic boyfriend will come into the bank and will say Who's that teller over there? She has such a sadness in her eyes. Someone should take her to dinner." Dun-dun-da-dah! At least I make myself laugh.

I should stop comparing myself to Kim. At least I should stop living vicariously through her dates. Am I ready to let the internet fix my love life?

NO.

View the original pages here.

Entry 1: Read September 25

June 12,

I feel silly doing this. I mean who keeps a diary anymore? I don't even know how to go about doing this. Do I just write "Dear Diary, today it was sunny and I had a latte with Kim and went to work. There was chicken salad for lunch and it was good. And then, and then, and then." I know writing is a good source of release or something or other. I got this journal for my birthday from Julie. I guess she must have thought I'd have tons to say cuz she keeps asking me if I've used it yet and if I like it and it'll be fun to go back and look at it later and make fun of myself for being such an idiot. People who talk to themselves get locked up. Is it the same for people who write to themselves?

My life sucks right now. Am I supposed to fill up these pages with a giant pity party? Oh look, I'm feeling sorry for myself again, how fun! I think it was this stupid birthday shit that sent me into a case of the blues. I'm 25 and this shouldn't depress me, but it does. What do I have to show for it? I've got a college degree, is fairly useless since a monkey could do my job. Assuming you taught the monkey to count. Whatever.

View the original pages here.

What is the Infamous Diary?

Slacker and Steve found this diary and are reading an entry a day on air since September 25th. I've created this page to follow the progress of the diary. I'll transcribe the pages as they become available (Slacker and Steve are scanning the pages they read daily) and open them up for commentary and discussion here. All grammatical and misspellings are her error not mine. There may be typos or cases where her handwriting was so atrocious I had to take a guess at the intended letter. Those errors are mine and I am happy to correct them if you want to take a minute to point them out.

Whose diary is it? What's her name? No one knows. Slacker and Steve are hoping that the rightful owner will come forward and claim the diary. They've had several young women claim to be the owner, but no one yet willing to provide a writing sample as proof. Until she comes forward they'll keep reading and I'll keep posting.

One more note of warning.......

The original diary pages have Post-It^TM notes covering words not suitable for radio. I'm not bound by the FCC or any other organization so I've gone ahead and spelled out those dirty little words. They're not too frequent, but I think they make a point, so until someone tells me I have to stop, I'm posting them as is.