September 9 Again
We ate so much food! Now we're at this really pretty park to walk off the fat full feeling. I go home tomorrow and I don't really know what I'm exactly going to do. But I did figure out that I'll never know if I don't go home and face it.
I think I just have to stop saying no to everything and being so stupid and afraid of everything. Mike or Jake or some mystery man I haven't met yet could all make me happy or not. I think my therapist is right, I'm making progress!
Now I'm going to take a nap. It's so pretty today and I've done too much thinking. I have to enjoy my last day of vacation. I can be miserable once I get on the plane and go back to my real life.
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September 9
Wow this place is pretty! It's bigger than I thought and it's not in the mountains at all! I mean they're nearby and we went there yesterday. It was very scary! Thomas was driving thank god because we were literally on the side of a mountain! He's from here so I guess it's no big deal to him but I kept checking my seatbelt and holding on to what he called the Oh Shit bar thingy because there was nothing keeping us on the side of a mountain!!!
I'm glad I came out though. Jenna and I have had some good talks and I've realized what a baby I am. I mean there are homeless people everywhere here! And if the worst thing I have going on is having to decide between two people who love me I'm doing pretty good. It still sucks but I guess it could suck a whole lot more. That should make me feel better and it sort of does but it doesn't really change anything.
I just wish I had a sign to tell me what to do. I'm imaging the craziest things. Like going back and proposing to both and seeing who says yes. But it's not very romantic and I don't have the guts and what if they both said yes?!?! Maybe I'll do it anyway. All I really need in my life is some more drama right? Ha ha ha I'm so funny!
Or maybe I'll just stay here and not go back. I could get a job here and the people seem nice. It snows here but it does that at home then too there. Or I could go to New York or LA. I'm still young and these are supposed to be my fun years. But I'm not really brave enough for that so these are just silly.
Really what I've figured out is that I have no idea what I want out of life. But maybe I'm not supposed to know.
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September 4
I have to get out of here and figure it out. I'm now in a place where my life should feel together but instead it feels like it's falling apart.
I'm 28 and I now have my MBA. I've got a great job at a firm I love. The possibilities seem endless but all I can think about is what decision to make and who to choose and how to truly be happy. How can everything be so complicated? Someday I'll be a grown up and this will all seem so silly I hope.
I'm going to take a much overdue vacation and visit Jenna in Denver. I haven't seen her since her wedding which seems so long ago. The last time I saw her I hadn't met Mike and had a dead end job at the bank. I remember being so jealous that she was marrying Thomas and moving across the country and her life was about to open up. Now I'm at that place where life is about to seriously change. I just hope for the better.
Maybe a roadtrip is just what I need to clear my head. Getting away from it all certainly can't hurt. I've warned Jenna I'm working on not being crazy and she says she's up for the challenge. We'll see about that.
I feel strangely calm though. Maybe it's just knowing I get to take a break from my life. Who knows. It's been such a long time since I've done anything nice for myself. I'm going to relax and go shopping and get caught up with her and it's going to be great!
I hope it's not already cold there. I've never been to Colorado before but I think it snows a lot. I always see that on the news. I hope I fit in okay with all those athletic people. I bet they're everywhere. Jenna loves it so I hope I do to since it'll be home for the next week.
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August 15
I feel like I'm living a double life. On the one hand I'm Jake's girlfriend and once again find myself in a relationship I don't know how I feel about. He's crazy about me. It's serious. What am I going to do?
And I haven't done what he's asked me to do. I'm still talking to Mike. Maybe now more than ever. I have to know if it's real or not. Like are the feelings still there? I mean can you really go back? I know it'll never be the same as it was but is it worth it to try?
I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions and I'm not sure which me I want to be. I want to be happy but which path will make me happy? I feel like I'm in an awful soap opera. This is worse than any movie I've ever imagined myself in. Because this this is real.
And because it's not a movie at some point I will have to decide. God I really wish this was a movie.
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July 5 Again
I don't like being forced to make decisions.
Ultimatums only work in real life if you've watched one too many movies or are actually afraid of what might happen if you don't follow the orders.
Jake wants me to stop talking to Mike. I guess it started because of all the confusion at the wedding but it was only made worse by the 4th of July crap.
He's right to be angry. I shouldn't have gone. But when the ex-love of your life calls you needing help are you just supposed to pretend that you don't care? That it doesn't matter? It had disaster written all over it but Mike called WASTED and alone and in need of a ride. He couldn't find his keys so he couldn't get in the house and I do still have a spare.
Nothing happened! But I'm not sure I convinced Jake of that and considering my track record I can't really blame him. I didn't tell him the whole truth about what was said. I learned my lesson last time with telling people the truth to make myself feel better.
It was one of the strangest moments of my life. One minute I'm helping a 30 year old drunk man into his house and the next he's professing his undying love to me. And he was pretty drunk. So normally I would know better than to believe it until he said, "I want you to come back. I've been trying to get you to come back. I still love you. Don't you know that?"
I put him to bed and got out of there fast. I went back to the party and my now very pissed off boyfriend. I tried to explain myself. I tried to forget what was said. I thought maybe I was thinking too much. Until I called Mike this morning now very hungover to repeat what he had said last night.
I add this plus what my mom said yesterday and I get trouble. Love plus love equals trouble. And then Jake's ultimatum tossed into that mix could make for disaster.
He asked me to cut off my friendship with Mike. He said things were getting pretty serious with us and he didn't want anything to come between that. He said he wanted a serious committment from me.
They both want to marry me.
My head is spinning.
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July 5
Worst holiday ever. I was attempting not to dwell in the past. I just wanted to BBQ and play with illegal fireworks and have a hot dog like you're supposed to. In case they missed it, I know it's been a year since Mike and I split up. Believe me, I know. But I didn't want to live in the past and mope. It's really tiring being sad or angry all the time and I just want to enjoy my life.
I know it wasn't on purpose. My mom called around noon just to check up on me and "make sure you're okay." I told her I was and what all we had planned for the day. I guess that wasn't the answer she was looking for because she launched into this speech about how it's okay to be sad and angry at myself and I just need to give myself time and not rush into things and I really should called Mike and she talked to him the other day and blah.
Wait! One at a time! She's the one who got mad at me when I cried all the time. She told my Dad to pay for therapy. And she did what???
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CALLED MIKE? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Apparently they've been talking. Apparently she can't mind her own damn business. I feel kinda violated like my private life isn't mine anymore. I mean, there's a part of me that knows she just wanted to help and she thought she was doing good. I know it wasn't meant to be hurtful but I feel so disrespected. It'd be one thing if they talked and caught up and the end. That'd be wierd but less wierd. But to have my mom call and say "Talked to Mike. He misses you. You should call him." Well that's just icky. And it only got wierder and ickyier from there.
Jake and I got in a fight and now he's here to meet up and talk so I'll have to finish this later.
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July 2
My mom called. Maybe to live in the glory of how terrible she knew it was going to be. But I didn't tell her much. I don't know who'd really want to hear about the wedding of their ex-husband and father of your kids. I know she thought she wanted to know, but I didn't want to hurt her. I can't handle it when she's sad.
Instead I talked about me. How I looked like a wet dog. How Sally called Jake Mike. How I got pushed out during the boquet toss even though I was fighting. That was really wierd. All of a sudden I'm being dragged by two women onto a floor to catch some stupid flower arrangement. I was shouting, "I'm not single! That's my boyfriend!" And pointing at Jake's horrified face. They didn't actually get me onto the floor with all the fighting back but I was so embarrased and felt awful for Jake. Fouror five different people called him Mike even though they don't look or act anything alike.
So I tell my mom all this and she says "Well, none of us really like Jake. You and Mike were a better fit."
How am I supposed to move forward if everyone keeps dragging me back? How can they not like him? He's likeable! They all acted like it was fine and he was fine and they were fine.
Fakers.
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