Entry 50: Read December 6

July 30

Elwood and I moved today. Mike's been in and out of the house in the last few weeks. He's been in and out with me the last few weeks.

Some days it's like nothing has happened. Like he forgot that I broke both our hearts. Or he pretends to forget because he misses the way things were? I suppose it's better not to know the woman you think you know is really still just a child. I think when I was a kid I at least knew what I wanted. Now every decision feels so heavy.

As a kid I was better behaved too.

I wonder what will happen with us now that I'm not living in his house. Our house. His house. He's every right to hate me. Some days he does and some days he doesn't. The past two years just flew by and I want them back to live slower. That's the problem is it all happened too fast. That's why I wasn't ready. That's why I fucked it up.

The truth is I'm still not ready. And I will always fuck things up until I am. I still don't get why he loves me. Only now it's only some days that he loves me. I don't understand that either. I'd rather be the bad guy but he says it's not all my fault.

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