September 9 Again
We ate so much food! Now we're at this really pretty park to walk off the fat full feeling. I go home tomorrow and I don't really know what I'm exactly going to do. But I did figure out that I'll never know if I don't go home and face it.
I think I just have to stop saying no to everything and being so stupid and afraid of everything. Mike or Jake or some mystery man I haven't met yet could all make me happy or not. I think my therapist is right, I'm making progress!
Now I'm going to take a nap. It's so pretty today and I've done too much thinking. I have to enjoy my last day of vacation. I can be miserable once I get on the plane and go back to my real life.
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September 9
Wow this place is pretty! It's bigger than I thought and it's not in the mountains at all! I mean they're nearby and we went there yesterday. It was very scary! Thomas was driving thank god because we were literally on the side of a mountain! He's from here so I guess it's no big deal to him but I kept checking my seatbelt and holding on to what he called the Oh Shit bar thingy because there was nothing keeping us on the side of a mountain!!!
I'm glad I came out though. Jenna and I have had some good talks and I've realized what a baby I am. I mean there are homeless people everywhere here! And if the worst thing I have going on is having to decide between two people who love me I'm doing pretty good. It still sucks but I guess it could suck a whole lot more. That should make me feel better and it sort of does but it doesn't really change anything.
I just wish I had a sign to tell me what to do. I'm imaging the craziest things. Like going back and proposing to both and seeing who says yes. But it's not very romantic and I don't have the guts and what if they both said yes?!?! Maybe I'll do it anyway. All I really need in my life is some more drama right? Ha ha ha I'm so funny!
Or maybe I'll just stay here and not go back. I could get a job here and the people seem nice. It snows here but it does that at home then too there. Or I could go to New York or LA. I'm still young and these are supposed to be my fun years. But I'm not really brave enough for that so these are just silly.
Really what I've figured out is that I have no idea what I want out of life. But maybe I'm not supposed to know.
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September 4
I have to get out of here and figure it out. I'm now in a place where my life should feel together but instead it feels like it's falling apart.
I'm 28 and I now have my MBA. I've got a great job at a firm I love. The possibilities seem endless but all I can think about is what decision to make and who to choose and how to truly be happy. How can everything be so complicated? Someday I'll be a grown up and this will all seem so silly I hope.
I'm going to take a much overdue vacation and visit Jenna in Denver. I haven't seen her since her wedding which seems so long ago. The last time I saw her I hadn't met Mike and had a dead end job at the bank. I remember being so jealous that she was marrying Thomas and moving across the country and her life was about to open up. Now I'm at that place where life is about to seriously change. I just hope for the better.
Maybe a roadtrip is just what I need to clear my head. Getting away from it all certainly can't hurt. I've warned Jenna I'm working on not being crazy and she says she's up for the challenge. We'll see about that.
I feel strangely calm though. Maybe it's just knowing I get to take a break from my life. Who knows. It's been such a long time since I've done anything nice for myself. I'm going to relax and go shopping and get caught up with her and it's going to be great!
I hope it's not already cold there. I've never been to Colorado before but I think it snows a lot. I always see that on the news. I hope I fit in okay with all those athletic people. I bet they're everywhere. Jenna loves it so I hope I do to since it'll be home for the next week.
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August 15
I feel like I'm living a double life. On the one hand I'm Jake's girlfriend and once again find myself in a relationship I don't know how I feel about. He's crazy about me. It's serious. What am I going to do?
And I haven't done what he's asked me to do. I'm still talking to Mike. Maybe now more than ever. I have to know if it's real or not. Like are the feelings still there? I mean can you really go back? I know it'll never be the same as it was but is it worth it to try?
I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions and I'm not sure which me I want to be. I want to be happy but which path will make me happy? I feel like I'm in an awful soap opera. This is worse than any movie I've ever imagined myself in. Because this this is real.
And because it's not a movie at some point I will have to decide. God I really wish this was a movie.
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July 5 Again
I don't like being forced to make decisions.
Ultimatums only work in real life if you've watched one too many movies or are actually afraid of what might happen if you don't follow the orders.
Jake wants me to stop talking to Mike. I guess it started because of all the confusion at the wedding but it was only made worse by the 4th of July crap.
He's right to be angry. I shouldn't have gone. But when the ex-love of your life calls you needing help are you just supposed to pretend that you don't care? That it doesn't matter? It had disaster written all over it but Mike called WASTED and alone and in need of a ride. He couldn't find his keys so he couldn't get in the house and I do still have a spare.
Nothing happened! But I'm not sure I convinced Jake of that and considering my track record I can't really blame him. I didn't tell him the whole truth about what was said. I learned my lesson last time with telling people the truth to make myself feel better.
It was one of the strangest moments of my life. One minute I'm helping a 30 year old drunk man into his house and the next he's professing his undying love to me. And he was pretty drunk. So normally I would know better than to believe it until he said, "I want you to come back. I've been trying to get you to come back. I still love you. Don't you know that?"
I put him to bed and got out of there fast. I went back to the party and my now very pissed off boyfriend. I tried to explain myself. I tried to forget what was said. I thought maybe I was thinking too much. Until I called Mike this morning now very hungover to repeat what he had said last night.
I add this plus what my mom said yesterday and I get trouble. Love plus love equals trouble. And then Jake's ultimatum tossed into that mix could make for disaster.
He asked me to cut off my friendship with Mike. He said things were getting pretty serious with us and he didn't want anything to come between that. He said he wanted a serious committment from me.
They both want to marry me.
My head is spinning.
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July 5
Worst holiday ever. I was attempting not to dwell in the past. I just wanted to BBQ and play with illegal fireworks and have a hot dog like you're supposed to. In case they missed it, I know it's been a year since Mike and I split up. Believe me, I know. But I didn't want to live in the past and mope. It's really tiring being sad or angry all the time and I just want to enjoy my life.
I know it wasn't on purpose. My mom called around noon just to check up on me and "make sure you're okay." I told her I was and what all we had planned for the day. I guess that wasn't the answer she was looking for because she launched into this speech about how it's okay to be sad and angry at myself and I just need to give myself time and not rush into things and I really should called Mike and she talked to him the other day and blah.
Wait! One at a time! She's the one who got mad at me when I cried all the time. She told my Dad to pay for therapy. And she did what???
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CALLED MIKE? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Apparently they've been talking. Apparently she can't mind her own damn business. I feel kinda violated like my private life isn't mine anymore. I mean, there's a part of me that knows she just wanted to help and she thought she was doing good. I know it wasn't meant to be hurtful but I feel so disrespected. It'd be one thing if they talked and caught up and the end. That'd be wierd but less wierd. But to have my mom call and say "Talked to Mike. He misses you. You should call him." Well that's just icky. And it only got wierder and ickyier from there.
Jake and I got in a fight and now he's here to meet up and talk so I'll have to finish this later.
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July 2
My mom called. Maybe to live in the glory of how terrible she knew it was going to be. But I didn't tell her much. I don't know who'd really want to hear about the wedding of their ex-husband and father of your kids. I know she thought she wanted to know, but I didn't want to hurt her. I can't handle it when she's sad.
Instead I talked about me. How I looked like a wet dog. How Sally called Jake Mike. How I got pushed out during the boquet toss even though I was fighting. That was really wierd. All of a sudden I'm being dragged by two women onto a floor to catch some stupid flower arrangement. I was shouting, "I'm not single! That's my boyfriend!" And pointing at Jake's horrified face. They didn't actually get me onto the floor with all the fighting back but I was so embarrased and felt awful for Jake. Fouror five different people called him Mike even though they don't look or act anything alike.
So I tell my mom all this and she says "Well, none of us really like Jake. You and Mike were a better fit."
How am I supposed to move forward if everyone keeps dragging me back? How can they not like him? He's likeable! They all acted like it was fine and he was fine and they were fine.
Fakers.
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July 1
I don't know if it was the wedding of the century or anything but it was definitely interesting.
We definitely belonged on one of those fashion reality shows. It was Sally's first wedding and I guess she'd been planning it for some time because I'm pretty sure we had a tradition from every decade. As a professional bridesmaid I thought I had seen it all but this was like a wedding factory exploded.
I did the same reading from The Prophet that I've done at like 7 other weddings. Great because I have it memorized so that was easy. The best was when they left the ceremony and had people either blowing bubbles or holding sparklers. I hate to make fun, but it was like being at a car wash on the 4th of July. Our dresses were baby blue and floor length which for an afternoon wedding in June I bet we all look like drowned rats. I didn't know I could sweat that much.
The reception was another nightmare on it's own. I keep trying to tell myself that it's not as bad as it could have been.
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June 17
I can hear the drums beating bum-bum-bum and they walk the prisoner through all the yelling crowd bum-bum-bum before they throw her to the lions.
Okay it wasn't quite as bad as all that but there was a aprt of me that wanted to be thrown to the lions a little bit. That part happened somewhere in the middle when they were opening lingerie I think.
I mostly kept to myself and ran in and out of the kitchen helping my Aunt Nancy. My Dad's sister is one of those women who is applying for sainthood. When we were kids she'd send Alex and I packages for every holiday and cards for every birthday. We'd get excited if Aunt Nancy was hosting for the holidays because on Thanksgiving she'd let us decorate the table with tiny pumpkins and dried corn cobs and little ceramic turkeys. On Christmas Santa would always stop by Aunt Nancy's and fill up stockings for us too. I've always admired my Aunt Nancy for her grace and ability to make everyone feel special.
So I get it why she'd be the person to throw a shower for Sally but at the same time why would anyone punish themselves like that? I know Babytalker has her own friends who could have thrown her a shower because they showed up in droves!!! We should have put a sign on the door that said "Free Buffet" the way these women wolfed down food.
Okay si it probably wasn't as bad as I'm making it out to be. Sally's lovely and she and my Dad make each other very happy. I think. Her friends were the kind of women who show up for free food and an open bar though. And how many packages of bath salts can one woman really use? Irregardless Sally had a good time and that was the whole point so I guess the party was a success. Sally, I mean Mama Sally, grabbed me when she was leaving and hugged me for like 20 minutes!!! She was going on and on about how she's so glad to have a daughter like me and she's always wanted kids and we're going to be a family now and all her dreams are coming true. It would have been sweet if it wasn't so creepy. Especially when I realized that 38 isn't too old to have a baby. If she really wants one she could have one and how weird would that be???
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May 15
I am the Uno Master!
My mpm and I hosted Mother's Day brunch for Jake and his mom. It was awesome! He and I cooked and our moms hit it off and seemed to like each other. Jake and his mom have been a little on the outs lately and it was good to see them both get along and have fun.
My mom is crazy of course and after another mimosa she decided a challenge was in order and started halling the games out of the closet. This idea was rather short lived since I kicked ass at Yatzee and then at Uno. My mom should really know better by now.
It was a pretty relaxing thing which is wierd since a guy I've known for like 2 months was meeting my mom and I was meeting his and our moms were meeting each other and that's just wierd. It's the new me! I'm trying not to think everything to death and have more fun. So far it's working. I still hate therapy but it seems like it's working so at least Dad's getting his money's worth.
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April 22
I really am in awe with those people who make it look so easy to stay friends with your ex. And it's not that it's hard even because they know you really well and you have all these memories and inside jokes and stuff. But it's awkward because you have to think through everything before you say it.
Don't talk to much about the new boyfriend. Check.
Don't ask too many prying questions about his dating life. Check.
Don't forget to ask about his family. Check.
Don't talk too much about yours. Check.
Stick to surface topics like work, school, the news, but don't talk too much about the war and things you're both afraid of because if you do you might end up talking more about your relationship and what went wrong or what might have been. Stick to the surface topics but say just enough so that the conversation doesn't feel surface. This is how we survived lunch.
Screw finance, maybe I should just write a book called, "How To Make Nice With Your Ex (Who You Cheated On)". Yeah!
Bruce and Demi got nothing on me and Mike. We're pros at this now!
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April 14
Well it was almost a month of bliss.
I finally called Mike back today. He accused me of avoiding him which is true. I was. I don't know what to say to him anymore. I didn't want to tell him about Jake or hear about his dating life.
But I couldn't stop myself from saying yes to the invitation for lunch. In a phone call I can avoid all the serious subjects and just glaze over things but in real life? We're having lunch next week. In real life.
This oughtta be interesting.
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March 26
I've spent almost every day with him. He picked me up from class with coffee and from my internship with dinner at ten o'clock at night.
I have no idea what's happening here. I'm thinking of just trying to enjoy the ride.
Can I ever do that?
I'm not thinking I'm just doing. So far so good.
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March 18
I had a date! Of course I don't know if it really counts since St. Pat's is a holiday which is all about drinking as much as you can and trying not to throw up.
But I had a really good time and realized it's been way to long since I let myself have any fun. It's allright to punish yourself so long as the punishment fits the crime and you know when to stop.
That's one of those things I'm not very good at. I never know when to stop apologizing or feeling sorry for myself or punishing or any of that.
But last night I got a glimpse of a girl I sometimes am. And I liked it. We danced, we drank, we did carbombs and somewhere along the way I remembered that this is what your twenties are supposed to be like. So embrace the fun and be the person who can change my life. Right?
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March 3
I am the only person who can change my life.
It sounds like some bullshit mantra my therapist dreamed up so she could keep collecting money for our 50-minute hours each week. It is a bullshit mantra. But it's true. I have to want to change my life, be happy, get better, blah blah blah.
I finally started taking up running. I run when I'm angry or overwhelmed or want to cry until my eyeballs fall out. When I'm out there I can yell at myself or try to think of nice things. I'm trying to get better at the nice things. Dr Murphy says beating myself up is not going to solve anything. But I'm not ready to stop yet.
My feet pound the pavement and I can feel each step ring in my ears. Sometimes it's a pleasant jog and I enjoy the scenery or the people walking their dogs. But on the other days I run until my legs throb like jelly filled and the pounding in my ears is so loud. It's never loud enough to drown out the voice inside my head yelling at me.
I'm so angry with myself. I had everything a person could want I threw it all away. Why? To see if it was real. It sure hurts like it was.
Some people suck at cooking or golf. But I suck at life.
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February 14
I hate everyone. It's like on this day everyone got together to decide to gang up on the single and alone. And I didn't used to be a hater. I used to bake cookies and give out Valentine's at the bank. What a sad and pathetic person I used to be. Totally different from the sad pathetic person I am now.
At least then I had hope.
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February 4
He's dating again. I pushed the issue and now get to see the results. I said it was alright to go back out there and that he should do what he wants and if the opportunity arose he should go for it.
And the SOB actually did!
I don't know anything about her really but I've made up the whole thing in my head. Her name I've decided is Veronica and she's stunning. She's smart. A microbiologist who never runs out of interesting things to say. She told him a dirty joke which is bold for a first date but he laughed for twenty minutes. And she's so good in bed that all her past lovers always try to come back for more.
I know none of this is true. I think about all the dates I've ever been on and how most of them are awful. But I really want Mike to be happy. So I like this rich fantasy I've made up for him.
It's allright having a rich fantasy life but mine is richer than my real life.
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December 26
My mother says she's worried about me. I'll bet she is. I didn't come home at all yesterday. I missed all the festivities. I didn't miss them really because I was right where I wanted to be. She's so mad at me but I can't tell her the truth so I'm just refusing to tell her. She says mystery is un-becoming on me.
Mike and I stayed in bed all day! It felt amazing!!! We watched movies and ate icecream and we made love. Honest to God. I've always hated that expression "make love". There's something icky about it I can't explain. But that really is the best way to explain it. It was incredible! It was like heaven. And then it was even better because I stayed.
I didn't leap out of bed and throw on my clothes and do the Walk of Shame. I didn't run away. I'm kind of proud of that.
We talked and I cried and we laughed and we napped and I watched him sleep and he brushed my hair with his fingers and we both told the truth. I told him I was afraid and that's why I made sure I screwed it all up.
I am afraid of everything. Mike thinks I'm the most insane person he's ever met. He said it's why he can't be free of me. I don't think it makes any sense but I guess if I'm the crazy one I shouldn't be trying to make sense of anything.
At the end I picked a fight because I was afraid we were getting back together. We don't want to be apart but I don't think we're ready to be together. That doesn't make any sense either. My head hurts from thinking and my heart hurts from feeling. And my mother is barely speaking to me and my whole family thinks I've lost it and I'm sort of fine with that and that makes the least sense of all.
I'm afraid of everything and Mike's afraid of me. I guess I'll have a lot to talk about in therapy next week.
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December 24
Tell me this is almost over. Please! I love my mom but there is a reason I left when I went to college and never planned to come back!!! If I weren't in school and doing the internship I'd never thought about doing this.
It's only the first day of the holiday and I'm ready to call it quits. My mom is driving me nuts and more people will be arriving tomorrow and the next day. I think Christmas is going to last like 2 weeks or something.
Mike's mom sent me a Christmas card. It made me cry. I feel so weak. He called me earlier. I didn't answer. I guess I should call him back. I haven't seen him in a little while because I keep falling into bed with him. Stupid!
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December 4
I'm all out of good pens I guess since this is the THIRD one I've tried to use. So annoying!!!
I think my internship is actually going to become a real job! I love the firm I'm at the work can sometimes be kind of boring but the people are cool and overall the work isn't bad. I just finished preparing reports for the auditors for the giant investor meeting to close this years fiscal. I wish it hadn't been the week before finals because I'm exhausted and can't afford to screw anything up right now. I should get all A's except for the one C. In Stats we'll see.
I'm about to take my CFA level one exam. My supervisor at the firm suggested it. He thinks it'll give me a leg up or something. I won't get the results until January which sucks since most people don't pass their first time! It was super expensive too like an extra $300 for one book and like $600 for the books and test. But it'll be worth it because for some finance firms it's better than having your MBA. I think after graduating they'll probably offer me a job here which will be an awesome place to start out. And then with my Masters and CFA I can go almost anywhere! Mybe I'll move to New York. I don't know if I'm glamorous enough for that. I can try. I'm going to bed. I can barely write. I wonder if I'll even be able to read this tomorrow. Am I tired all the time?
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November 28
Putting your hand through a glass table is a bad idea. I don't know where the anger came from or maybe I thought I wouldn't actually be able to do it. I don't really know. Maybe I was having an out of body experience? I don't remember any of it really until I was in the emergency room getting stiched up and the girl asked me how I'd cut up my hand. I didn't know what to say.
Alex says one minute I was sitting there quietly and the next I was bleeding. I'm going to blame the wine. Either that or I've totally lost it. I really hope it was the wine.
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November 9
I hate this time of year. Did I always? I can't remember. It's cold outside and there's more of that white stuff that is so pretty at first and then makes everything this really gross brown. It's gray outside and I think I'm drinking more than I used to. There are holidays coming and celebrations of togetherness always just seem to make me feel more lonely.
My brother has a girlfriend. Really? Really. She's coming home with him for Thanksgiving. Brave girl. Especially now that there's going to be a wedding. It's all Mama Sally can talk about. She actually said "I'd like for you to call me Mama Sally. Not that I'm trying to replace your mother but we're family now." It made me want to throw up actually.
I'm trying to be a good "sport" since dad still calls me that but it's harder than it looks. She babytalks less thank God!
I feel like an alien looking in on all of this. I miss being a part of the action.
I miss Mike.
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