July 5 Again
I don't like being forced to make decisions.
Ultimatums only work in real life if you've watched one too many movies or are actually afraid of what might happen if you don't follow the orders.
Jake wants me to stop talking to Mike. I guess it started because of all the confusion at the wedding but it was only made worse by the 4th of July crap.
He's right to be angry. I shouldn't have gone. But when the ex-love of your life calls you needing help are you just supposed to pretend that you don't care? That it doesn't matter? It had disaster written all over it but Mike called WASTED and alone and in need of a ride. He couldn't find his keys so he couldn't get in the house and I do still have a spare.
Nothing happened! But I'm not sure I convinced Jake of that and considering my track record I can't really blame him. I didn't tell him the whole truth about what was said. I learned my lesson last time with telling people the truth to make myself feel better.
It was one of the strangest moments of my life. One minute I'm helping a 30 year old drunk man into his house and the next he's professing his undying love to me. And he was pretty drunk. So normally I would know better than to believe it until he said, "I want you to come back. I've been trying to get you to come back. I still love you. Don't you know that?"
I put him to bed and got out of there fast. I went back to the party and my now very pissed off boyfriend. I tried to explain myself. I tried to forget what was said. I thought maybe I was thinking too much. Until I called Mike this morning now very hungover to repeat what he had said last night.
I add this plus what my mom said yesterday and I get trouble. Love plus love equals trouble. And then Jake's ultimatum tossed into that mix could make for disaster.
He asked me to cut off my friendship with Mike. He said things were getting pretty serious with us and he didn't want anything to come between that. He said he wanted a serious committment from me.
They both want to marry me.
My head is spinning.
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July 5
Worst holiday ever. I was attempting not to dwell in the past. I just wanted to BBQ and play with illegal fireworks and have a hot dog like you're supposed to. In case they missed it, I know it's been a year since Mike and I split up. Believe me, I know. But I didn't want to live in the past and mope. It's really tiring being sad or angry all the time and I just want to enjoy my life.
I know it wasn't on purpose. My mom called around noon just to check up on me and "make sure you're okay." I told her I was and what all we had planned for the day. I guess that wasn't the answer she was looking for because she launched into this speech about how it's okay to be sad and angry at myself and I just need to give myself time and not rush into things and I really should called Mike and she talked to him the other day and blah.
Wait! One at a time! She's the one who got mad at me when I cried all the time. She told my Dad to pay for therapy. And she did what???
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CALLED MIKE? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Apparently they've been talking. Apparently she can't mind her own damn business. I feel kinda violated like my private life isn't mine anymore. I mean, there's a part of me that knows she just wanted to help and she thought she was doing good. I know it wasn't meant to be hurtful but I feel so disrespected. It'd be one thing if they talked and caught up and the end. That'd be wierd but less wierd. But to have my mom call and say "Talked to Mike. He misses you. You should call him." Well that's just icky. And it only got wierder and ickyier from there.
Jake and I got in a fight and now he's here to meet up and talk so I'll have to finish this later.
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July 2
My mom called. Maybe to live in the glory of how terrible she knew it was going to be. But I didn't tell her much. I don't know who'd really want to hear about the wedding of their ex-husband and father of your kids. I know she thought she wanted to know, but I didn't want to hurt her. I can't handle it when she's sad.
Instead I talked about me. How I looked like a wet dog. How Sally called Jake Mike. How I got pushed out during the boquet toss even though I was fighting. That was really wierd. All of a sudden I'm being dragged by two women onto a floor to catch some stupid flower arrangement. I was shouting, "I'm not single! That's my boyfriend!" And pointing at Jake's horrified face. They didn't actually get me onto the floor with all the fighting back but I was so embarrased and felt awful for Jake. Fouror five different people called him Mike even though they don't look or act anything alike.
So I tell my mom all this and she says "Well, none of us really like Jake. You and Mike were a better fit."
How am I supposed to move forward if everyone keeps dragging me back? How can they not like him? He's likeable! They all acted like it was fine and he was fine and they were fine.
Fakers.
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July 1
I don't know if it was the wedding of the century or anything but it was definitely interesting.
We definitely belonged on one of those fashion reality shows. It was Sally's first wedding and I guess she'd been planning it for some time because I'm pretty sure we had a tradition from every decade. As a professional bridesmaid I thought I had seen it all but this was like a wedding factory exploded.
I did the same reading from The Prophet that I've done at like 7 other weddings. Great because I have it memorized so that was easy. The best was when they left the ceremony and had people either blowing bubbles or holding sparklers. I hate to make fun, but it was like being at a car wash on the 4th of July. Our dresses were baby blue and floor length which for an afternoon wedding in June I bet we all look like drowned rats. I didn't know I could sweat that much.
The reception was another nightmare on it's own. I keep trying to tell myself that it's not as bad as it could have been.
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June 17
I can hear the drums beating bum-bum-bum and they walk the prisoner through all the yelling crowd bum-bum-bum before they throw her to the lions.
Okay it wasn't quite as bad as all that but there was a aprt of me that wanted to be thrown to the lions a little bit. That part happened somewhere in the middle when they were opening lingerie I think.
I mostly kept to myself and ran in and out of the kitchen helping my Aunt Nancy. My Dad's sister is one of those women who is applying for sainthood. When we were kids she'd send Alex and I packages for every holiday and cards for every birthday. We'd get excited if Aunt Nancy was hosting for the holidays because on Thanksgiving she'd let us decorate the table with tiny pumpkins and dried corn cobs and little ceramic turkeys. On Christmas Santa would always stop by Aunt Nancy's and fill up stockings for us too. I've always admired my Aunt Nancy for her grace and ability to make everyone feel special.
So I get it why she'd be the person to throw a shower for Sally but at the same time why would anyone punish themselves like that? I know Babytalker has her own friends who could have thrown her a shower because they showed up in droves!!! We should have put a sign on the door that said "Free Buffet" the way these women wolfed down food.
Okay si it probably wasn't as bad as I'm making it out to be. Sally's lovely and she and my Dad make each other very happy. I think. Her friends were the kind of women who show up for free food and an open bar though. And how many packages of bath salts can one woman really use? Irregardless Sally had a good time and that was the whole point so I guess the party was a success. Sally, I mean Mama Sally, grabbed me when she was leaving and hugged me for like 20 minutes!!! She was going on and on about how she's so glad to have a daughter like me and she's always wanted kids and we're going to be a family now and all her dreams are coming true. It would have been sweet if it wasn't so creepy. Especially when I realized that 38 isn't too old to have a baby. If she really wants one she could have one and how weird would that be???
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