Entry 18: Read October 19

September 12

Today was wierd. It's destined to be a wierd day anyway. No one wants to celebrate the anniversary of their country being attacked and more hate coming into the world. We don't throw parades about Pearl Harbor, so why is it that yesterday every news station was obsessed with replaying all the footage of 9-11?

I think everyone remembers where they were and who they called and how they couldn't pull away from the television. I remember. But then every channel plays it over every year and all of America gets to relive it. But I wasn't there and neither was most of America. But Mike was there. And that brings up today and the wierdness.

I called Mike to see if he wanted to go to a movie. In the back of my mind I knew there wouldn't be much of anything on TV but by the time I got off work and got home I had sort of forgotten why. He snapped at me,

"I don't want to go to a movie. I don't want to go anywhere. I'll just talk to you tomorrow."

And then he hung up! Jerk. Of course I called right back and he didn't answer. So I left a bitchy message about how he shouldn't take a bad day out on me and blah blah blah.

Katie and I had lunch today and so I told her about what happened. "Oh no. You got it wrong. He wasn't mad at you. He was there when the towers fell."

WHAT? I asked if she meant in New York and she said no, he was THERE but he won't talk about it. She doesn't know why or where. No wonder he was upset last night.

He's not the jerk. I am. I don't know what to do. I have to call and apologize.

I feel awful.

View the original pages here.

Entry 17: Read October 18

September 9th

Okay. I love this boy. Much worse things have happened than me falling in love. Much worse. Much much worse. Like my mom wanting to meet him. I only met him two months ago and have only been seeing him for like six weeks. I'm not ready to share him!

I know I'm being silly about this. I don't care. We've gone out with Katie amd Joe a few times. I've met some of his other friends and attended happy hours with his coworkers. These are things I am okay with. Meeting my mom is not on that list. Mike hasn't even met Kim yet. We always hang out at his place. He has a yard and I can bring Elwood over there, so why wouldn't we? And he has Tivo. Tivo is awesome!

But seriously, why would I introduce to my mom when he hasn't met my roommate yet? It's cool that Mom always takes an interest in my life. I like that part. I'm really sick of her asking every time I talk to her when she's "going to meet this guy you're spending so much time with"

YOU'LL MEET HIM WHEN I'M READY FOR YOU TO!!!

Love you mom but back off.

View the original pages here.

Entry 16: Read October 17

August 31

I am in trouble. I think I'm falling in love. I am not ready for this at all. I want to see him all the time and sleep in his bed and wear his tee shirts. This is scary.

What am I going to do? I'm not the kind of person who can just be schmopey and be in loooove. I hate those people. I don't want anything else to be insecure about and I don't want to get hurt again and when you're in love is when people can hurt you. I don't want to be hurt and I'm tired of being damaged and insecure and I hate this pen.
View the original pages here.

Entry 15: Read October 16

August 13

I blame society for the way I am. And my parents of course. But mostly society, which my parents are definitely members of. I have always escaped to the movies like everybody else. They wouldn't make so much money if every girl didn't believe she'd meet the man of her dreams and have her clothes magically melt off the moment she knew he was the guy for her.

My clothes didn't magically melt off and it certainly wasn't a scene in a love story. But it wasn't a scene in a comedy either. It was okay. I don't know what made me think I'd be any less insecure with my clothes off than I am with my clothes on. You'd think the fact that Mike and I have these amazing dates and he makes me feel more confident would work other places too. I don't know. It wasn't awful it just wasn't what I imagined. That's what I get for imagining I guess.

But it does make me wonder why I never read about this in Cosmo or my other magazines. How do you tell someone when it's just okay? How do you get it together? I know it was the first time and that's automatically awkward but how do I make it better? Should I even care? This is so much better than being single and I should just be grateful. Right? Yes.

View the original pages here.

Entry 14: Read October 15

August 12

I need to stop freaking out about stuff because then I make it come true. He's making me dinner at his house tonight. Do I shave my legs and wear matching underwear? Or do I purposely sabotage and delay the inevitable? This man makes me feel like I am the gorgeous girl who everyone wants to be or know and I have never felt like that. I have been insecure my whole life and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of myself. I want to be the girl that Mike sees when he looks at me. What do I look like in his eyes and from his point of view? She seems like a lot of fun. I am sick of talking myself out of having fun.

Fuck it. I'm shaving my legs. What's the worst that could happen?

View the original pages here.