Entry 49: Read December 5

July 7

I finally told the truth. I had to.

When he asked me to be his wife I was overcome with mixed emotions. I said yes because I wanted to. Really I did.

He left this afternoon. He wouldn't tell me where he was going or staying. He just said that the dog and me had to be gone by the 1st of August. He said he didn't care if he ever saw me again. He said I'd gotten a little bit fat anyway. He said I was a lying cheating whore. He said everything I'd expected him to say.

For months I've been faking it hoping I'd feel it. Trying to pretend nothing had happened and that I'd done nothing wrong. When I told Katie about Jon she made me promise not to tell Mike. She said he'd done nothing wrong and didn't deserve to be punished. I agreed. And I tried to forget.

Fake it til you feel it. I'd written about it and then ripped out the pages. Was that going to make it unhappen? By pretending it hadn't happened did I somehow un sleep with him? I've avoided him in classes for months now. I switched study groups. It didn't make him go away.

I kept living my little fantasy world with Mike. I know I hooked up with Jon because I was scared and once again trying to sabotage myself. I guess I succeeded on that part.

I had to tell him. I was lying to him every day by not telling him. And I couldn't marry him unless he knew. So I told him the whole dirty truth. And now I'll get what's coming to me.

I never deserved any of this good stuff. But I definitely deserve all this bad stuff.

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