May 14
Happy birthday to me!
I don't know if this is what 27 is supposed to look like but here's what it looks like!
The semester is over in less than a month and then summer starts. I'm working on getting through all this school stuff as quickly as possible. And then the terrifying future! Usually not knowing what's ahead and not having a plan would completely wreck me. But I'm kind of excited. I interview for my fall internships in the next few weeks.
Things are coming together and I'm doing my best to not fall apart. I'm a beautiful almost successful 27 year old with a pretty terrific boyfriend. This is what I keep trying to tell myself.
But I don't think it's all true and don't think I deserve it. I had to tell someone and so I told Katie. She confirmed my worst fears. I am awful. But secretly awful. And now the secret awful Princess has to go out with her awesome boyfriend and pretend everything is fine.
Happy birthday Princess
Your a faker.
View the original pages here.
April 15
Nothing is certain but death and taxes, Benjamin Franklin said! He's a wise man. I wonder what advice he'd have for the mess I'm in now.
He was a logical guy so I'll bet something about using my head. Well I'm not a fan of my heart or my head since they both got me here.
I'm the idiot sitting here imagining what advice one of the founding fathers would give me instead of attempting to figure it out myself.
Why you gotta make things so complicated?
View the original pages here.
January 1
I'm glad school starts back soon. I'm starting to go a little crazy. Maybe the holidays and cold weather don't help and Mike's been a bit distant. I can't blame hime I've spent months being distant. I can't stop it. I thought being with someone meant you got to be happy. I guess I don't really know how to do that.
Last night wasn't very interesting. minus the champaine and us very
[pages of the diary are ripped out ...]
View the original pages here.
December 26
Last year's Christmas was spent unpacking and combining households and stuff. So this year we made up for it!
I haven't had a Christmas tree in years. I forgot how good they smell! It's the rotten thing about having divorced parents. When you split time between Mom and Dad neither one are all that good at keeping any kind of tradition or anything. I probably spent more holidays at friends houses than at home.
Mike showed me what you look for when you buy a Christmas tree and how to tell if they're dried out and stuff. We made a small dinner and watched Tivo. I love Tivo. And then came the presents and that's when the fight started.
He got me a necklace from Tiffany's. not a ridiculous one but a simple silver one. It was pretty and simple. And it was in that blue box and bag with the Tiffany stamp and it was perfect for me. And I said "Oh it's too much!" And then he said "There could be more where that came from," and it just sort of went from there. What started as a wonderful holiday about new memories and stuff turned into Christmas with my parents in the mid-nineties. He's very frustrated with me and I get that but I can't change overnight. I'm so much better with him than I've ever been before. But I am still guarded and unsure and insecure and not ready for little blue boxes from Tiffany's.
This morning I reached out but Mike was already gone. I panicked and thought he was gone. Am I crazy? People don't just disappear from their own houses! He's been gone for at least a half hour now.
I feel so alone.
View the original pages here.
