October 20
Midterms bleck! I'm trying to be better about writing because it helps me with stress and is sometimes the only way I have to keep track of how things happened and when.
Right now I very simply am avoiding studying.
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September 14
School is awesome! I didn't realize that I had missed learning so much. I feel bad that I had to cut back my hours at the bank but my boss is really cool and understanding about it. I haven't given myself too much time to feel bad about the fact that after I finish my MBA I won't be working at the bank anymore. It's a whole new life and kind of a whole new me. Mike says he's glad to see me so happy and confident. He's the kindest man I've ever known. I am so lucky.
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August 10
I decided to tell Mike what had happened. He was not happy with me. "People who love each other don't keep secrets like that." I get it that he didn't want me to feel like I had to go it alone but I did.
Because Mike would have been excited.
So I spent a week waiting to bleed, praying for cramps, peeing on sticks and proving to myself that I'm stronger than I realize. At least I learned that. I am stronger than I realize. I also realize that I'm not really in this relationship the way Mike is. He wants the next thing with the house and the wife and the kids and the whole damn thing.
If I had been pregnant he would have seen it as a sign or something that it's time to make that next bold move.
Well I believe in signs too. And the sign that hung over my head when I looked in the mirror and knew I wasn't about to be someone's mother said,
NO.
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August 5
I'M NOT PREGNANT!
Life is a whole new level of amazing right now. A whole new level. Thank God for small miracles.
I'm still not ready to be a grownup.
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July 30
I am only writing this down because I want to remember exactly how I feel at this exact moment. I want to remember the tightness in my chest and I imagine this is what having a heart attack feels like. But I'm not having a heart attack. I wish I was having a heart attack. Dear God please kill me with a heart attack.
I believe that curiousity killed the cat. I really do. I also think waiting must have killed something else. Maybe the tiger. They're hunters right. Shit, they're still cats.
I have to keep it together. I want to remember how I feel at this moment. I feel sad and alone and my chest hurts and I must tell someone what has happened and what is going on and how I feel. How do I feel? I want to remember the chest pain and the waiting and the fact that later I'll feel the hangover and the sad will still be there.
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