Entry 55: Read December 13

October 1

I am fucking up my life on purpose and by accident. Dr Murphy says I am afraid to succeed and my challenge is to find out why. I don't care why I just want it to stop.

I suck at school right now. I hope I don't suck at my internship. Because I'm earning my internship hours and credits I'm taking fewer classes than before. I should be able to handle it. I guess not.

I can't believe I messed up so badly. Test anxiety? My professor pulled me aside after class to give me that stern I'm a teacher concerned about you talk. He'd noticed I wasn't as "attentive in class" and was my "heart in the right place?" I of course am a stupid emotional idiot and I started crying and apologizing and that I'd try harder and was so sorry I'd brought my personal life to school. He said "Maybe this isn't the right program for you."

Ouch.

I'm so mad for bombing that stupid exam. Now even if I do ace everything else I'll still only end up with a C. And now I have to ace everything and work extra hard for that stupic C just to prove I belong here. I hate this!!!

I do belong here. I still want to be here. I just put myself into a whole lot of debt with my loans to not care and not do well. And now that Mike isn't, well, supporting me and I'm not working I'm quickly going through my savings and what extra money I have. I didn't sign up for all this to fail.

I'm better than that.

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