August 15
Internship starts today. It feels like the first day of school when you were kids. I remember I would agonize over what I was going to wear. I'd pick out and try on almost every outfit I had and then would decide that day that I didn't like the outfit I'd decided on. Picture day was even worse!
It's hard to play that game when you're living out of boxes and suitcases. And like the first day of school I'm surprised my mom didn't take a bazillion pictures.
This is the part where I hold my breath and pray they don't chew me up and spit me out. I'm a lowly intern now.
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July 30
Elwood and I moved today. Mike's been in and out of the house in the last few weeks. He's been in and out with me the last few weeks.
Some days it's like nothing has happened. Like he forgot that I broke both our hearts. Or he pretends to forget because he misses the way things were? I suppose it's better not to know the woman you think you know is really still just a child. I think when I was a kid I at least knew what I wanted. Now every decision feels so heavy.
As a kid I was better behaved too.
I wonder what will happen with us now that I'm not living in his house. Our house. His house. He's every right to hate me. Some days he does and some days he doesn't. The past two years just flew by and I want them back to live slower. That's the problem is it all happened too fast. That's why I wasn't ready. That's why I fucked it up.
The truth is I'm still not ready. And I will always fuck things up until I am. I still don't get why he loves me. Only now it's only some days that he loves me. I don't understand that either. I'd rather be the bad guy but he says it's not all my fault.
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July 7
I finally told the truth. I had to.
When he asked me to be his wife I was overcome with mixed emotions. I said yes because I wanted to. Really I did.
He left this afternoon. He wouldn't tell me where he was going or staying. He just said that the dog and me had to be gone by the 1st of August. He said he didn't care if he ever saw me again. He said I'd gotten a little bit fat anyway. He said I was a lying cheating whore. He said everything I'd expected him to say.
For months I've been faking it hoping I'd feel it. Trying to pretend nothing had happened and that I'd done nothing wrong. When I told Katie about Jon she made me promise not to tell Mike. She said he'd done nothing wrong and didn't deserve to be punished. I agreed. And I tried to forget.
Fake it til you feel it. I'd written about it and then ripped out the pages. Was that going to make it unhappen? By pretending it hadn't happened did I somehow un sleep with him? I've avoided him in classes for months now. I switched study groups. It didn't make him go away.
I kept living my little fantasy world with Mike. I know I hooked up with Jon because I was scared and once again trying to sabotage myself. I guess I succeeded on that part.
I had to tell him. I was lying to him every day by not telling him. And I couldn't marry him unless he knew. So I told him the whole dirty truth. And now I'll get what's coming to me.
I never deserved any of this good stuff. But I definitely deserve all this bad stuff.
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July 4
Anniversary number two of meeting Mr. Mike. He and I are going to a couple bbqs and then downtown to watch the fireworks.
He said he's got an even better surprise than last year's. I have to admit that whole making a girl feel special on big days thing earns any guy serious points. I always escaped to the movies and so I always thought that was how things should be. I never thought they could be this way. I'm feeling better about my uh indiscretions or whatever. I just try and pretend like nothing ever happened and sometimes I believe it's true.
In any case a surprise party, small parties fancy dinners and little blue boxes from Tiffany's weren't wasted on me. I don't know how I got so lucky. Maybe Mike just watched a lot of movies too.
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June 24
I got my internship!!! I got the one I wanted!!! I'm going to learn all there is to know about finance and real estate and markets and funds and oh my god this is SO COOL!!!
Mike and I are going out to celebrate. We're so excited!!!
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