October 23
He's marrying her.
I think at a different point this would have been a giant earth ending problem out right. Now I have my own set of stuff to deal with.
I lost it all. I. Me.
It bothers me that she's twenty years younger than him and only ten years older than me but at least they make each other happy. I guess I could learn a thing about happiness from them.
All I can hope is that I don't have to wear some god awful tafetta thing in like lime green or something and won't have to read something. How many weddings have I been in now? I'm like a professional bridesmaid or something.
So when Dad marries Sally does that make him Mr. Babytalker?
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October 1
I am fucking up my life on purpose and by accident. Dr Murphy says I am afraid to succeed and my challenge is to find out why. I don't care why I just want it to stop.
I suck at school right now. I hope I don't suck at my internship. Because I'm earning my internship hours and credits I'm taking fewer classes than before. I should be able to handle it. I guess not.
I can't believe I messed up so badly. Test anxiety? My professor pulled me aside after class to give me that stern I'm a teacher concerned about you talk. He'd noticed I wasn't as "attentive in class" and was my "heart in the right place?" I of course am a stupid emotional idiot and I started crying and apologizing and that I'd try harder and was so sorry I'd brought my personal life to school. He said "Maybe this isn't the right program for you."
Ouch.
I'm so mad for bombing that stupid exam. Now even if I do ace everything else I'll still only end up with a C. And now I have to ace everything and work extra hard for that stupic C just to prove I belong here. I hate this!!!
I do belong here. I still want to be here. I just put myself into a whole lot of debt with my loans to not care and not do well. And now that Mike isn't, well, supporting me and I'm not working I'm quickly going through my savings and what extra money I have. I didn't sign up for all this to fail.
I'm better than that.
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September 22
I wish someone would put me out of my misery. Today I went to Barnes and Noble to kill time before my night class.
Before I knew exactly what had happened or how or why there I was.
On the self help aisle.
Reading.
I hate you Oprah. I blame you for an entire generation of women who think a book can save their lives or marriages or whatever.
Only because I bought one of those stupid books.
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September 8
I've joined the majority of society. Today. I. Went. To. Therapy. It feels wierd. Really wierd. The thing is I kind of liked it. I've never really talked about myself before. But then again I never really vented or tried to sort things out before I got this book from Julie. We've already had a breakthrough which is apparently a good thing. I said that I had changed so much in the last few years and felt I didn't really know what I was supposed to have learned or really how I felt about the person I'd become. She asked how that made me feel which made me laugh. They really do ask "how does that make you feel?"!
At the end of the appointment she wrote me a prescription. I haven't taken it to the pharmacy. I don't want to believe that I need it.
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September 2
What am I doing?!?!
We had sex last night. It was incredible!!! But Mike and I aren't doing each other any favors by continuing to sleep together.
I'm told ex-sex is just part of the process, but I think it makes us both feel icky afterwards. I miss him so much and I'm miserable and so is he but then we see each other for lunch or try to be friends and see a movie or we hook up and it just makes it so much worse.
How are either of us supposed to move on if we aren't going to move on? I can't decide if I want to be with or without him and he can't decide whether or not he hates my guts.
But we keep trying to be friends and maybe that's not going to work. I have to stop sleeping with him but I can't. I feel like a drug addict.
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