September 9 Again
We ate so much food! Now we're at this really pretty park to walk off the fat full feeling. I go home tomorrow and I don't really know what I'm exactly going to do. But I did figure out that I'll never know if I don't go home and face it.
I think I just have to stop saying no to everything and being so stupid and afraid of everything. Mike or Jake or some mystery man I haven't met yet could all make me happy or not. I think my therapist is right, I'm making progress!
Now I'm going to take a nap. It's so pretty today and I've done too much thinking. I have to enjoy my last day of vacation. I can be miserable once I get on the plane and go back to my real life.
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September 9
Wow this place is pretty! It's bigger than I thought and it's not in the mountains at all! I mean they're nearby and we went there yesterday. It was very scary! Thomas was driving thank god because we were literally on the side of a mountain! He's from here so I guess it's no big deal to him but I kept checking my seatbelt and holding on to what he called the Oh Shit bar thingy because there was nothing keeping us on the side of a mountain!!!
I'm glad I came out though. Jenna and I have had some good talks and I've realized what a baby I am. I mean there are homeless people everywhere here! And if the worst thing I have going on is having to decide between two people who love me I'm doing pretty good. It still sucks but I guess it could suck a whole lot more. That should make me feel better and it sort of does but it doesn't really change anything.
I just wish I had a sign to tell me what to do. I'm imaging the craziest things. Like going back and proposing to both and seeing who says yes. But it's not very romantic and I don't have the guts and what if they both said yes?!?! Maybe I'll do it anyway. All I really need in my life is some more drama right? Ha ha ha I'm so funny!
Or maybe I'll just stay here and not go back. I could get a job here and the people seem nice. It snows here but it does that at home then too there. Or I could go to New York or LA. I'm still young and these are supposed to be my fun years. But I'm not really brave enough for that so these are just silly.
Really what I've figured out is that I have no idea what I want out of life. But maybe I'm not supposed to know.
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September 4
I have to get out of here and figure it out. I'm now in a place where my life should feel together but instead it feels like it's falling apart.
I'm 28 and I now have my MBA. I've got a great job at a firm I love. The possibilities seem endless but all I can think about is what decision to make and who to choose and how to truly be happy. How can everything be so complicated? Someday I'll be a grown up and this will all seem so silly I hope.
I'm going to take a much overdue vacation and visit Jenna in Denver. I haven't seen her since her wedding which seems so long ago. The last time I saw her I hadn't met Mike and had a dead end job at the bank. I remember being so jealous that she was marrying Thomas and moving across the country and her life was about to open up. Now I'm at that place where life is about to seriously change. I just hope for the better.
Maybe a roadtrip is just what I need to clear my head. Getting away from it all certainly can't hurt. I've warned Jenna I'm working on not being crazy and she says she's up for the challenge. We'll see about that.
I feel strangely calm though. Maybe it's just knowing I get to take a break from my life. Who knows. It's been such a long time since I've done anything nice for myself. I'm going to relax and go shopping and get caught up with her and it's going to be great!
I hope it's not already cold there. I've never been to Colorado before but I think it snows a lot. I always see that on the news. I hope I fit in okay with all those athletic people. I bet they're everywhere. Jenna loves it so I hope I do to since it'll be home for the next week.
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August 15
I feel like I'm living a double life. On the one hand I'm Jake's girlfriend and once again find myself in a relationship I don't know how I feel about. He's crazy about me. It's serious. What am I going to do?
And I haven't done what he's asked me to do. I'm still talking to Mike. Maybe now more than ever. I have to know if it's real or not. Like are the feelings still there? I mean can you really go back? I know it'll never be the same as it was but is it worth it to try?
I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions and I'm not sure which me I want to be. I want to be happy but which path will make me happy? I feel like I'm in an awful soap opera. This is worse than any movie I've ever imagined myself in. Because this this is real.
And because it's not a movie at some point I will have to decide. God I really wish this was a movie.
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