March 3
I am the only person who can change my life.
It sounds like some bullshit mantra my therapist dreamed up so she could keep collecting money for our 50-minute hours each week. It is a bullshit mantra. But it's true. I have to want to change my life, be happy, get better, blah blah blah.
I finally started taking up running. I run when I'm angry or overwhelmed or want to cry until my eyeballs fall out. When I'm out there I can yell at myself or try to think of nice things. I'm trying to get better at the nice things. Dr Murphy says beating myself up is not going to solve anything. But I'm not ready to stop yet.
My feet pound the pavement and I can feel each step ring in my ears. Sometimes it's a pleasant jog and I enjoy the scenery or the people walking their dogs. But on the other days I run until my legs throb like jelly filled and the pounding in my ears is so loud. It's never loud enough to drown out the voice inside my head yelling at me.
I'm so angry with myself. I had everything a person could want I threw it all away. Why? To see if it was real. It sure hurts like it was.
Some people suck at cooking or golf. But I suck at life.
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February 14
I hate everyone. It's like on this day everyone got together to decide to gang up on the single and alone. And I didn't used to be a hater. I used to bake cookies and give out Valentine's at the bank. What a sad and pathetic person I used to be. Totally different from the sad pathetic person I am now.
At least then I had hope.
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February 4
He's dating again. I pushed the issue and now get to see the results. I said it was alright to go back out there and that he should do what he wants and if the opportunity arose he should go for it.
And the SOB actually did!
I don't know anything about her really but I've made up the whole thing in my head. Her name I've decided is Veronica and she's stunning. She's smart. A microbiologist who never runs out of interesting things to say. She told him a dirty joke which is bold for a first date but he laughed for twenty minutes. And she's so good in bed that all her past lovers always try to come back for more.
I know none of this is true. I think about all the dates I've ever been on and how most of them are awful. But I really want Mike to be happy. So I like this rich fantasy I've made up for him.
It's allright having a rich fantasy life but mine is richer than my real life.
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December 26
My mother says she's worried about me. I'll bet she is. I didn't come home at all yesterday. I missed all the festivities. I didn't miss them really because I was right where I wanted to be. She's so mad at me but I can't tell her the truth so I'm just refusing to tell her. She says mystery is un-becoming on me.
Mike and I stayed in bed all day! It felt amazing!!! We watched movies and ate icecream and we made love. Honest to God. I've always hated that expression "make love". There's something icky about it I can't explain. But that really is the best way to explain it. It was incredible! It was like heaven. And then it was even better because I stayed.
I didn't leap out of bed and throw on my clothes and do the Walk of Shame. I didn't run away. I'm kind of proud of that.
We talked and I cried and we laughed and we napped and I watched him sleep and he brushed my hair with his fingers and we both told the truth. I told him I was afraid and that's why I made sure I screwed it all up.
I am afraid of everything. Mike thinks I'm the most insane person he's ever met. He said it's why he can't be free of me. I don't think it makes any sense but I guess if I'm the crazy one I shouldn't be trying to make sense of anything.
At the end I picked a fight because I was afraid we were getting back together. We don't want to be apart but I don't think we're ready to be together. That doesn't make any sense either. My head hurts from thinking and my heart hurts from feeling. And my mother is barely speaking to me and my whole family thinks I've lost it and I'm sort of fine with that and that makes the least sense of all.
I'm afraid of everything and Mike's afraid of me. I guess I'll have a lot to talk about in therapy next week.
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December 24
Tell me this is almost over. Please! I love my mom but there is a reason I left when I went to college and never planned to come back!!! If I weren't in school and doing the internship I'd never thought about doing this.
It's only the first day of the holiday and I'm ready to call it quits. My mom is driving me nuts and more people will be arriving tomorrow and the next day. I think Christmas is going to last like 2 weeks or something.
Mike's mom sent me a Christmas card. It made me cry. I feel so weak. He called me earlier. I didn't answer. I guess I should call him back. I haven't seen him in a little while because I keep falling into bed with him. Stupid!
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