Entry 61: Read January 8

December 26

My mother says she's worried about me. I'll bet she is. I didn't come home at all yesterday. I missed all the festivities. I didn't miss them really because I was right where I wanted to be. She's so mad at me but I can't tell her the truth so I'm just refusing to tell her. She says mystery is un-becoming on me.

Mike and I stayed in bed all day! It felt amazing!!! We watched movies and ate icecream and we made love. Honest to God. I've always hated that expression "make love". There's something icky about it I can't explain. But that really is the best way to explain it. It was incredible! It was like heaven. And then it was even better because I stayed.

I didn't leap out of bed and throw on my clothes and do the Walk of Shame. I didn't run away. I'm kind of proud of that.

We talked and I cried and we laughed and we napped and I watched him sleep and he brushed my hair with his fingers and we both told the truth. I told him I was afraid and that's why I made sure I screwed it all up.

I am afraid of everything. Mike thinks I'm the most insane person he's ever met. He said it's why he can't be free of me. I don't think it makes any sense but I guess if I'm the crazy one I shouldn't be trying to make sense of anything.

At the end I picked a fight because I was afraid we were getting back together. We don't want to be apart but I don't think we're ready to be together. That doesn't make any sense either. My head hurts from thinking and my heart hurts from feeling. And my mother is barely speaking to me and my whole family thinks I've lost it and I'm sort of fine with that and that makes the least sense of all.

I'm afraid of everything and Mike's afraid of me. I guess I'll have a lot to talk about in therapy next week.

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