March 3
I am the only person who can change my life.
It sounds like some bullshit mantra my therapist dreamed up so she could keep collecting money for our 50-minute hours each week. It is a bullshit mantra. But it's true. I have to want to change my life, be happy, get better, blah blah blah.
I finally started taking up running. I run when I'm angry or overwhelmed or want to cry until my eyeballs fall out. When I'm out there I can yell at myself or try to think of nice things. I'm trying to get better at the nice things. Dr Murphy says beating myself up is not going to solve anything. But I'm not ready to stop yet.
My feet pound the pavement and I can feel each step ring in my ears. Sometimes it's a pleasant jog and I enjoy the scenery or the people walking their dogs. But on the other days I run until my legs throb like jelly filled and the pounding in my ears is so loud. It's never loud enough to drown out the voice inside my head yelling at me.
I'm so angry with myself. I had everything a person could want I threw it all away. Why? To see if it was real. It sure hurts like it was.
Some people suck at cooking or golf. But I suck at life.
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